Sabotaging Your Own Love

I don't care if you're Mother Theresa, the moment you get on the road, in your little car, everyone is the enemy. You hate everyone simply for existing. There isn't a single other car on the road that is really a good driver. They're going too fast, too slow, you catch them trimming their toenails with no hands or feet on the wheel, they can't use a cell phone and manuever a turn, whatever. You know you hate them. We all hate them. So logically speaking, KNOWING that you hate everyone on the road, it stands to reason that everyone on the road hates you. That said, why would you choose this medium to advertise your cause. How many times have you seen some idiot causing minor gridlock in the passing lane and scoffed to yourself: "Ha, an Obama fan. Figures."
You're not scoring any points for things you stand for when you advertise on your car. Even people I agree with that irritate me on the road, leave me reevaluating my own system of beliefs. Worse yet, the people who raise my blood pressure the most are out there with their: "I'd rather be shooting a deer in the face" bumper stickers and their metal scrotum hanging from the back hitch and that makes me hate hunters and neanderthals THAT MUCH MORE.
So, the moral of the story is, the next time you think its a good idea to Free Tibet, maybe buy a t-shirt or something. Because when you cut me off on I-35 it makes me think that maybe Tibet can kiss my ass too. And the world... can be a better place...

H.E.B. Here Everyone's a Boob

H.E.B. is our local grocery store. The only local grocery store. There is no Albertsons or Kroger that I know of in a 100 mile radius. Just HEBs as far as the eye can see. It stands for "Here Everything's Better" but in reality, I've come to the conclusion that on any given day, at any given time, I would rather remove my fingernails by sanding them down with a piece of sandpaper soaked in sulfuric acid than have to stop by this establishment for any reason. Rather than rant about the many reasons why death is preferable than having to stop in and buy an onion, I think I'll shorten this to two top ten lists. In case you haven't noticed, I have been sick and this marks my return to humanity... or the lack thereof within the public realm.

Part I:
Top Ten Things I Would Rather Do Than Go to HEB
10. See if I can pull a pot roast through my nose- in one nostril out the other.
9. See what the inside of a fire ant hill tastes like.
8. Give up on eating the food sold at HEB and subsist on rocks from now 'til eternity.
7. Carve the first half of the Webster's Dictionary into my arm with a rusty nail.
6. Become a professional country line dancer.
5. Experiment with household cleaning products to find the latest whitening sensation in dental hygiene.
4. See what it feels like to take a deep cleansing breath whilst submerged in a tank full of lemonade.
3. Don an entire wardrobe made of finely woven nose and butt hairs.
2. Only listen to music that features the tinny sounds of the harpsichord.
1. Be on the receiving end of an enema filled with Dave's Insanity Sauce

Part II
Top Ten New Slogans Proposed to HEB for Their Consideration
10. HEB: We Speak Much The English
9. HEB: Where Time Stands Still.
8. HEB: Where Your Will To Live Stands Still... and then Goes In Reverse.
7. HEB: Our Produce Aisle Fits 4
6. HEB: Second Home to the Elderly
5. HEB: Spend Some Time in Our Parking Lots!
4. HEB: Give Us Your Tired, Your Poor, Your Muddled Asses.
3. HEB: Because You Have To!
2. HEB: My Nephew Designed Our Parking Lot!
1. HEB: You Know What They Say About Big Shopping Carts!