Beauty School Drop Out

If anyone needs me for the next 2-3 weeks, I'll be hiding in the closet writing over and over: "I will not cut my own bangs. I will not cut my own bangs. I will not cut my own bangs."

But don't feel bad for me, it actually works out. I just had my eyes dialated and have been walking around with paper sunglasses that I like to call people repellers. Dark places where people can't witness the visual atrocity that is moi, bode well for me.

Dial R for Idiot

Today had all of the neccessary ingredients to be completely sucktastic. I was trapped in a fart cloud, old ladies think I shoplift, I melted a kitchen appliance, my dog ate half an old meatloaf and the cell phone people have declared me ineligable to own a phone that doesn't require an empty tin can to transfer sound.
Bake at the temperature of the inside of my house/oven and yippy skippy, you have a very angry short girl with a lot of dishes to clean.

So much to rant about, where do I begin? Oh, I know. The fart factory. For the second day in a row now, I have been sandwiched between two people on treadmills at the gym-- because if you have ever read my blogs before, you already know that people LOVE to be close to me while I sweat. Today was a new gym high, though, when the guy next to me allowed some bombs to squeak out his sweaty crack. I still had 20 or so minutes of cardio left when the fart fog started choking my will to live. Who DOES THAT? I can't even imagine being okay with letting a few slip by, even if I wasn't in such close proximity to another human being. Fortunately, for me, he left shortly thereafter, presumably to go to the bathroom before he shit his pants. Super.

Next on the agenda, I went to my favorite place, HEB. The local grocery store. Here Everything Bites. You see, Mike is going away on a business trip this weekend with a few of his work buddies. They're all driving out to Dallas, so I thought I would be the nice person and buy a cooler and fill it with drinks and snacks for the trip. I picked up a cooler with a price tag that said: $15.97. It was a plastic, red, average cooler. It didn't have wheels or speak Italian, it was just a PLASTIC BOX CAPABLE OF HOLDING ICE! Anyway, after I had loaded my cart with waters, red bulls, gatorade, cookie mix, chips, and various other crap, I get up to the counter and unload it all and lift the cooler so the lady can scan it. She pulls the price ticket off and looks at me funny.
"Is this the ticket?"
Me: "Uh. I think so?"
Her: "Ma'am... I think I'm going to have to scan the actual cooler." (O-kay. I had tried to hand it to her after all.
She rings it up and the damn thing is $69.99!!!! Now. Like a moron, I am so flustered by the fact that she obviously thought I was trying to pull one over on the ol' HEB and take my own discount on something that should never have cost that much to begin with... that I just say: "ice" when she asks if there will be anything else. I should have screamed, "Hell no, I'm not paying SEVENTY DOLLARS for a PLASTIC BOX. I'm ASSUMING it can walk back to the shelf on its, own?" But I just bought it. Like an idiot.

So, so many things running through my head at this point. I walked over to the ice bin, took my ice and lo and behold, I grab the bag that has been torn open. So I point this out to the lady that was bagging my stuff for me and she says to me:
"Excuse me miss, how many bags of ice were you needing today?"
Me: "what? One..."
"Her, well, we took the liberty of putting that in your cart already. Next to your COOLER."
Me: "Thank you. I didn't see that. I need to go stand in traffic now."

So, so many things wrong with this picture and now all I can imagine is how HEB thinks I'm a shoplifter and Mike is going to make me return the $70.00 cooler. Fabulous start to this day. Simply Supreme.

My next adventure was at Cingular where they took down my information and informed me that I am not eligible to upgrade or purchase a new phone from them, even if the one I have currently zaps me in the face when I use it. I will however, be eligible for a brief window of time in August of 2009. YES!

When I got home from this, I discovered that Maya, who is on a fat dog diet has gotten into the trash and eaten half a meatloaf. To celebrate this, I left a hand blender sitting a bit too long in the hot pot of soup I was making and it melted. It looks like it didn't survive a nuclear holocaust.

I hope you are all having a better day. I for one am going to have a drink and watch old sitcoms with my blankey.

The Sweet Life of Being a Pet Owner

Pugs are great for many reasons. They're sweet and loving, small enough to not be a pain in the ass, but big enough not to be annoying... and they have a built in little mood barometer. When the tail is curly, all is well with the world. But when it is straight and floppy, something is amiss.

I received such a warning today on my way home with Midas riding shotgun. I glanced over to find that his tail had straightened out and he had a bizarre look on his face. As if he could answer me, I said: "Aw, Midas, what's wrong."

And he did answer me. He answered me by puking his guts out all over the passenger seat of my car.



Hooray pugs.