Woe is Me.

I don't know how 2008 could do this to me. I waited for SO LONG to be rid of that stinky 2007, but thus far, '08 has been an upset.
I'm ready to throw in the towel already and wait for the crap to hit the fan. So far this year, I have been sick EVERY SINGLE DAY. Today, on day 18 of my unending illness, I started to feel better-- so I got up... walked out to the living room and decided to break a toe on our plastic wicker furniture.

At this point I'm just trying to mentally prepare for bad news. Tomorrow someone is coming to look at the house. I was pretty convinced that we'd be here for awhile, so that means it will probably sell. The post office doesn't have a limit on how many change of addresses one can have, right?
I'm also going to the doctor for day 19 of my unending illness. It will probably sound something like this:
Dr: "Are you still feeling sick."
Me: "A little, but I think I'm actually getting better."
Dr: "And you have medicine... and you've been to the hospital... so why are you here?"
Me: "Well, because I still wasn't getting better so I made the appointment... but then by the time I started to feel better we had already entered into the realm of being charged anyway for not keeping the appointment... so... here I am."
Dr: "O-kay."
Me: "Yep.........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................so...............................................................................................................................................................had a good Christmas?"

My class sucks. Lesson learned, not taking an online class here again. I've taken online classes before, but this class, as far as I can tell, is literally reading some crap online. No tests. No homework. No grades maybe? Naturally, my compiler isn't working. I'm not sure what is wrong with it. Yes, I can download a new one, but that's not even the point. At least, I can sit here with a snot rag jammed up my nose, glasses on, and drinking cranberry juice... the perfect picture of what I thought a computer programmer should look like. And at least I can say I was sick for almost a month and lost 16 pounds.
And at least Cambpell's still makes Minestrone soup.
That's something.

My New Life

Its five in the afternoon-- my new wake up time.
This cold has changed and or ruined my life. I now sleep all day and am awake all night sleepily staring at the ceiling. Not to say that I don't have a new routine to adjust to, because I do have that. Exciting as it may be. I've swapped in any normal 9-5 activities for sleeping. Then around 5pm when I stumble (yes, stumble as if I have been drinking profusely) out of bed I am hit with an immediate wave of guilt that my poor dogs who have been champion sleeping by my side, haven't seen a fire hydrant yet today. So, I feel around on my "table O' Snot rags" for my glasses and bring them outside, where they spend their few happy moments.
In the meantime, I check my messages, as I have undoubtedly slept through several. Then onto email and often times this week from there I would take more pills, more nasal spray, and make more hot tea and go back to bed.

The nightime routine is the BEST, though. I'll watch late night TV until it feels like I SHOULD be tired and then fall into the "routine."

Adjust pillows
Contort around dogs who have already made themselves comfortable.
Sit up.
Blow nose.
Lay back down.
Check clock.
Sit back up.
Make hot tea.
Drink tea.
Back to bed.
Adjust pillows.
Stare at ceiling.
Try to think of something to think about.
Sit up.
Blow nose.
Nasal spray.
Blow nose.
Big sigh.
Adjust pillows.
Add a pillow.
**Commence snoring husband**
Sit up.
Go to kitchen and locate ear plugs.
Back to bed.
Ear plugs.
Thirsty.
Water.
Back to bed.
Oh man-- take out contacts.
Back to bed.
Earplugs in place.
Pillows... there.
Dogs... steaming
Chapstick.
Can't find the chapstick.
Searching...
Searching...
Searching...
There it is.
Apply heavy amounts of chapstick to already nasty lips.
There's Maya! Chapstick attracts dog 2 and shielding face from licking begins.
Check clock.
Decide to see what's on TV. Again.
Sit up.
Maya and I both watch TV in upright position.
Begin Cycle again.

I do not like my new life.

Cheese Pins and Lies

Linens N Things is synonymous with the selling of overpriced gizmoish crap that, lets face it, no one really needs. I have always been amazed at the number of people that will gawk open mouthed at the miraculous invention of a toothpaste squeezer. One such invention proudly displayed in impulse alley currently is the cheese pin.Yes, the cheese pin promises to take care of all of your cheese cutting needs.

What in the HELL is a cheese pin you ask? It is a knob of plastic that you jam into a piece of cheese. You then hold the knob/pin whilst "cutting the cheese" (no pun intended) and this is supposed to alleviate the stress that one would normally feel about slicing cheese sans knob.

Its honestly, ridiculous... yet people think they need it. The whole cheese pin scenario has become a metaphor for my working existence at Linens and Crap. Its honestly, ridiculous and I really don't need it.

Since recovering from my cold, I have since developed any number of chronic and infectious lung conditions that could be any of the following:
Bronchitis
Pneumonia
Common Cold... from hell
Flu
Typhoid Fever
Malaria
Amoebic Dysentery
the baldness gene
or
the Bubonic Plague.

I don't know what the hell is going on with my physical health, all I know is that each time I go into work at Linens and Germs, I come home sicker than I was before I left the house that day. Whatever is causing the endless snot stream at the back of my throat is showing no end in sight. I think its time to cleanse myself of the bacterial culture of my job.

But back to the Cheese pins. Its really all about the stupid cheese pins. Do you know what cheese pins really are? They are lies. Cheese lies. Assuming that you do actually find yourself in a position where you are regularly slicing small to medium hunks of cheese, do you really think this cheese pin will help you? Sure, you'll have something to hold on to, but the mere existence of this thing makes it harder to cut. I'm not exaggerating, there is a picture on the box that shows all of four slices of cheese being cut successfully and then the knife runs into said cheese pin.
Soooo typical that such a product would be found at the counter of Linens and Lies.

Here are some of the more recent lies that have disrupted my life, courtesy of my "job."
1. I told them that my last day of work there would be the 28th. My reasoning was that I wanted time to myself before school began again to brush up on everything before I forgot what I already learned. I also didn't want to begin the new year employed by them because now I'll have four days of pay stubs to worry about on next years taxes. Anyhow, I was sick for three days during that time and when I came back I was on the schedule the whole next week. As I tried to explain that I had planned to make the 28th my last day, I was told by the scheduling manager that HE was told that I felt so bad for calling in sick that I wanted to "make it up to them."
How can you argue with that, right? Well, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that even if someone had lied and said that-- I had been on the old schedule for the 29th anyway. So clearly, they KNEW I was a push over and didn't care.
So now, I have worked the last five days straight, without a break, and sicker than I have been yet because I would be "screwing over the whole company" by calling out.

Well. I am scheduled to work a good ten hour shift tomorrow, but since we are in such DIRE need of employees and they aren't bothering to interview the people that have been parading through with applications, I think this officially falls under the jurisdiction of: "Not my problem."
So tonight was my last.

One more fun little Linens n Lies antectdote is in regards to closing. One of the other girls I workED with asked the manager if we could be out by ten if we made sure to get done with all the projects, etc. She had to be somewhere. The manager responded that they weren't allowed to let the employees go before ten thirty.

Okay, let me break this one down for you so that we can all see what a blatant lie it is:
1. The schedule had hours figured until ten o'clock. If it was for sure going to be ten thirty that we were all there, they would have had to figure that into the hours.
2. The lights automatically shut off just after ten. They have to manually be turned back on.
3. All of the other managers that don't hate their home life manage to let us go before ten thirty.
4. What company in their right mind would say; "Well... the store has been closed for an hour... and there isn't anything for anyone to do... but lets all just take a seat and play duck, duck, goose until the clock reaches 10:30. It'll be good for your paychecks!"
LIES!

Finally, to anyone fool enough to think they actually need a cheese pin in their lives, the sad truth of the matter is, that pretty soon you will realize you were better paying an extra $3.00 for a Julienne slicer and the retarded cheese pin will be tossed to the back of the drawer, forgotten until the next garage sale.

Like the cheese pin, Linens and Things has been tossed into a forgotten drawer in the back of my mind, only to be drudged out again years from now when I'll need therapy to rid my mental health of the woes that I now feel physically.

Thanks for the ride, Linens and Crap. It couldn't have sucked more.

Zestfully Seeking Towels.

Around 3:30 in the morning... yesterday... I had an epiphany. I realized that I had to... HAD TO have one of those big towels from the old 1980s Zest soap commercials. You know the ones...

"You're not fully clean unless you're ZESTFULLY clean!" sang whilst a person whom I assume is "zestfully clean" demurely snaps a towel across their more scantily clad parts which testifies to this very fact.

How great would life be if I owned one of those towels.

So I wrote a letter to Proctor and Gamble:

Dear Sir or Madame,
It has come to my attention that my purpose in life is to infact, own a Zest towel as shown in your 1980's commercials. I too, hope to be zestfully clean. Seriously, I would appreciate any assistance in locating said towel for immediate purchase.
Good day,
J. Pavlovich