2007, Year of the Devil

With only days left of what is probably one of the crappiest years yet to date in my existence, 2007 apparently felt it had to deliver a final low blow.

Yes, it is Christmas and I am sick as a dog. Sure, this was probably a present from Linen's and Things, but still, I'm pretty sure that 2007 had its grubby paws on that one somewhere.

I have to say that I am really looking forward to the END of this miserable year-- but just so I can say it hasn't beat me, here is a top ten list of things that have made 2007 good.

10. My birthday was pretty good! I got to go home and see my family, I got some pretty sweet loot, and I'm yet another year older!
9. Washington DC-- I did something this year!
8. Element. That was a pretty fun job and I met some really great people.
7. Whilst working at Element I was introduced to reality TV; The Bachelor, Beauty and the Geek and America's Next Top Model.
6. Mike no longer works at EA. It was hard giving up texturing the asses of football players to make Killer Kroc.
5. Midas learned to say: "Ice Cream." Sort of.
4. El Charros changed our pre-Texas lives. Delicious burritos with no waiting!
3. We got an Ab-Lounger! Now, if I could just find my abs... we'd be all set.
2. We got to trade in Fridays at Altamont for Fridays at the Alamo Drafthouse, movie nights, Arnold Nights, and Scattegories with Mike Pedro. Life improved ten-fold.
1. We moved to Texas! I am officially a Texan, LOVE it here.

Take that '07.

Hang Up the Chick Habbit

Incase I hadn't remembered to thank my lucky stars, lately, that I turned tail and ran from a "would-be" career in Journalism, I was reminded yet again how many are employed with similar lack-luster "skills." I made the stupid mistake of clicking on an article off of the site msn.com, famous for providing paychecks to people who likely scribble out their articles while on the toilet. They're really that bad and many of them actually leave an aftertaste of crap in the mouth.

One such piece of cyber-trash was what I thought might be a kitchy or humorous take on decoding your potential partner by what their favorite Christmas movie is. It sounded cute, I was bored... yada, yada, yada....

Basically, it was a girl and a guy each giving their opinions about someone of the opposite sex whose favorite Christmas movie was: _______.
Whoever the girl was had pretty positive things to say about just about every holiday persona. It lacked any vision, it wasn't funny and read like a fortune cookie from Phat Ho Super Buffet, but it wasn't mean spirited. The male counterpart of this article, however, seemed to find no woman at all that was worthy of being in the same room as him.

So, ladies. Here is a quick rundown, according to "Ian" why you are aren't a worthwhile person because of your holiday Christmas movie selections:

1. A Charlie Brown Christmas:
This makes you Goth and Existential, except when you're making pigpen smoke clouds dancing.
2. A Christmas Story
You're corny. But Cool... in an okay way. That was almost a compliment.
3. Bad Santa
You have a negative outlook on life and enjoy Chinese take-out.
4. The Grinch
You are stuck in a rut... you also may be... get this... grinchy.
5. Its a Wonderful Life
You're a deep thinker, about all the sad crap that happens.
6. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
You're pretty much an idiot.
7. Santa Clause is Coming to Town
Once again, you are a goth chick.

So basically, Christmas tidings aside, if you are single, you should be a one dimmensional person who is happy--- but not too happy. That's how you'll get a man these days. I won't even touch on the whole subject of looks, weight, boobs, or intelligence.

I don't want to sound overly feminist, because I understand that men need some sort of outlet for all the millions of ridiculous emails that circle around the internet like the plague about leaving the toilet seat up. Hey, it annoys me too, but as far as feminism goes, I am certainly becoming more of one the more that hip hop takes the youth of America by storm.

Its not that we're reverting back to pre-1920s propaganda and social norms where women experienced a lower level on society's ladder of existence... its actually pretty much the opposite, and its perpetuated by women themselves. You can only blame men so much for what's happened.
Women can now work any job. Infact, women are expected to work. Many women now carry the men.
Anyway, I think that a lot of crap that women deal with today owes a great big thanks to a culture of people who are churning out this music:

There seems to be alot of mothe fuckers blind to the fact
That a ho is gonna be just that
And this type of ignorance is the very
Reason why so many niggas in the goddamned cemetary
Inteligence is on call
You don’t treat a ho like a queen who behaves lika a dog
Are you the type who wont put a ho in front of a trigger
Then you’re a ho assed nigga
Goddamned hound
Pound for pound
You knew the ho when she was fucking the whole town
She fucked you and gave your buddies a blow
But your trick ass fell in love with the ho
Tried to change her make her be an angel
You keep putting your damn life in danger
Fronting niggas about that slutty ass trifling crow
You gotta let e ho be a ho

Shes a ho, d how the fuck you know
Every time I see the ho she’s with a new negro
Shes the type of ho thats bound
To wear shorts up her ass when your friends come around
Shes the kinda ho thatll make you cry
The kinda ho you have to call before you come by
So why do you wanna kill when she says no more
You ain’t the first to be dumped by a goddamned whore
Crazy mother fuckers fighting over hoes
Stealing for their asses and jumping out of windows
If a ho wants out I let her sinky ass go
Cos ima let a ho be a ho

*** It gets worse, but I'm gonna try to keep it a little cleaner for the kiddies.

This Christmas classic brought to you by Geto Boys and the Letter "G"

Encore!

Someone actually asked me to repost this-- how flattering. So this was Christmas for me, I think... two years ago? Anyway, enjoy.

Was it put your hands in the air where I can see 'em... or was it get down and cover your head? I tried to remember what it is that people want you to do on TV when they are robbing banks as I slowly come to realize that the Hallmark in which I am standing in line is not actually being robbed at gunpoint. As the poor cashier finishes putting my little bracelet charm in a box a man had burst through the door, unshaven and wearing dark glasses and a wool hat (ahem, FLORIDA.) He went straight for the counter where I was standing and without asking just blurted out the words: "MUSIC BOX. " I didn't know if this was code for "give me all your money" or something else, just because of the way he said it. The cashier, who has not allowed her enormous holiday smile to fade in the least only blinks her eyes and says: "I'm sorry, sir... we're out." At this he pounded his fist on the counter, leaned in a little as if to stare straight into her soul to see if she was infact telling the truth, and the storms off.Merry Christmas.So this is where I begin my long awaited rant regarding holiday shoppers and customers in general. Should the situation have been differnt and it was me looking for the music box, I would have taken the time to wait my turn and THEN ask the cashier the complete sentence "Excuse me, can you please tell me where I could find a music box?" THEN, if she said they were out I would say: "Okay. Thank you." Disappointed as I may be I am never rude to cashiers. NEVER. I may go outside and scream "FUCK!" but I don't treat cashiers like that ever.That story aside, I would now like to launch into my list of holiday shopping faux paus which I may follow with a musical number. I haven't decided yet.

1. Why is it that it seems like I am the ONLY person who steps aside when others are coming. This sounds so petty, but its true! I seem to be bobbing and weaving through a maze of shoppers and I'm the only one who has strayed from my path by so much as an inch! If I did the same thing, I would plow people right over and I am at a point where I am entertaining that very thought. See, when you are Christmas shopping here in Millenia, you find your usual crowd of house wives in $500.00 Bebe Sport, bejeweled tracksuits and $300 heels from Charles David, stollers, old people, people in motorized transportation devices and your scattering of "normal" people. I gaurantee that if I set my mind to it and I don't step aside for them, I would knock them on their designer ass. This goes for families of kids all holding hands spread across entire aisleways, metro sexual Patrick Batemanesque men that worry excessively that bumping into someone may wrinkle their hollister shirts, but still won't share the space, and fat people in motorized carts that can't trouble themselves with the excercise of moving for fear that their inner thighs will catch fire due to the friction of rubbing human meat.

2. What is up with strollers nowadays? Seriously? What happened to the compact little things that people pushed around when we were kids? Now they are giant brightly colored child buckets that fit either very fat children or very old children. Eitherway, its not pretty.

3. When there is one line and someone opens up a new one and yells "next" they aren't referring to the last person in line who hasn't been waiting at all. If you're that person, I hate to break it to you, but you're an asshole and one of these days one of my tracksuit divas are gonna bust a heal in your ass and then buy a starbucks.

4. It isn't the cashier's fault that Store Blah is out of some fad item. Its yours. You should have put down the ding dongs and gotten your fat ass to the store earlier. I'm sure you have Tivo. What are you waiting for?

5. I'm sorry but its not cute to let your little boy ride a pink bike around the tiny San Rio store at the mall. Its just not. And his screaming when you make him leave... not adorable.

6. Parents: thank you for gracing the public with the presence of your children who have not yet fully recovered from the croup. Their constant hacking and wiping of snot along their arms and spreading to everything they touch will no doubt ensure that everyone will get the plague for Christmas this year.

7. Why? Why do you ladies have to wear stilletos to the mall. I love to feel tall and pretty in my happy, strappy shoes too.... but I watch them struggle against the steps and the crowds and I think to myself: "Why?" You're wearing a tracksuit like you just came back from the gym... why ballroom slippers? WHY? For those of us who need to try to get around you, its really irritating.

8. Bathe. I got stuck in the corner of San Rio today by an enormous woman checking out the pencil supply. I literally couldn't move and was going to wait it out until she called her husband over... Mr. Stinky. The man smelled like taco bell hot sauce.

9. Don't be a douchebag. Just try your best. One of my coworkers actually asked if anyone had ever "regifted" right in front of someone who had just given us all a Christmas gift. I know that he wasn't making any kind of remark as to what he had received, but think before you speak because that is a really arrogant thing to say. It could have been taken so wrong.

10. Try not to kill others. As Christmas gets closer, traffic gets proggressively crazier. People cutting people off speeding above 90, honking at people who go 80, driving over the median, you name it, I have seen it this week. I just think that no one wants 12 steaming brains of family members splattered across I-4 for Christmas. Maybe I'm wrong. Da dunno.

11. For God's Sake. Try not to burn down your house like so many people did at Thanksgiving. I am not trying to be funny, all those horrible turkey fryer stories...I'm just waiting to hear whose lights torch a Christmas tree or how uncle Joe gets stuck and subsequently squeezed to death in a chimney.

12. Keep your cool. How many people are freaking out over some stupid little thing that means nothing and will be forgotten in a month. Really? I can't think of one person in my family that wouldn't pretend to love the basket of panty hose I buy them so do you really think they are going to hate you if you don't slaughter a family of nine to steal their Xbox 360? Not that I am Ms. Calm and level headed... I did call a lady a dumbass to her face today but she deserved it... and we're not talking about ME anyway. Sooooo...........

The Twelve Gripes of Christmas.
For my first gripe of Christmas, Orlando gave to me: a crowd of people all so angry

For my second gripe of Christmas, Orlando gave to me: Two mighty shoves and a crowd of people all so angry.

For my third gripe of Christmas, Orlando gave to me: Three fatheads, two mighty shoves, and a crowd of people all so angry.

For my fourth gripe of Christmas, Orlando gave to me: Four name calling jerks, three fatheads, two mighty shoves and a crowd of people all so angry.

For my fifth gripe of Christmas, Orlando gave to me: FIVE coughing brats! Four name calling jerks, three fatheads, two mighty shoves and a crowd of people all so angry.

For my sixth gripe of Christmas, Orlando gave to me: Six times the waiting, FIVE coughing brats! Four name calling jerks, three fatheads, two mighty shoves, and a crowd of people all so angry.

For my seventh gripe of Christmas, Orlando gave to me: Seven moms a bitching, six times the waiting, FIVE coughing brats! Four name calling jerks, three fatheads, two mighty shoves, and a crowd of people all so angry.

For my eighth gripe of Christmas, Orlando gave to me: 8 tracksuit divas, seven moms a bitching, six times the waiting, FIVE coughing brats! Four name calling jerks, three fat heads, two mighty shoves, and a crowd of people all so angry.

For my ninth gripe of Christmas, Orlando gave to me: Nine hoochies prancing, eight tracksuit divas, seven moms a bitching, six times the waiting, FIVE coughing brats! four name calling jerks, three fatheads, two mighty shoves, and a crowd of people all so angry.

For my tenth gripe of Christmas, Orlando gave to me: ten cashiers weeping, nine hoochies prancing, eight tracksuit divas, seven moms a bitching, six times the waiting, FIVE coughing brats! Four name calling jerks, three fatheads, two mighty shoves and a crowd of people all so angry.

For my eleventh gripe of Christmas, Orlando gave to me: 11 Visas swiping, ten cashiers weeping, nine hoochies prancing, eight tracksuit divas, seven moms a bitching, six times the waiting, FIVE coughing brats! Four name calling jerks, three fatheads, two mighty shoves, and a crowd of people all so angry.

For my twelveth gripe of Christmas, Orlando gave to me: Tweleve steaming brains, 11 visas swiping, ten cashiers weeping, nine hoochies prancing, eight tracksuit divas, seven moms a bitching, six times the waiting, FIVE coughing brats! Four name calling jerks, three fatheads, two mighty shoves, and a crowd of people all so angry.

Thank you. Thank you.

America's Funniest Way to Earn Back Some of that Insurance Money

I don't often have time to just sit and veg out in front of the TV. I probably didn't have time tonight, either, but I did. Just my luck, I can finally sit down and watch something and there's NOTHING on. So after flipping through the channels for a good 20 minutes, I finally settled on something mindless. America's Funniest Home Videos.

GOOD


LORD.



I have been watching this for about a half hour and I realized that the videos people send in basically fall into one of five categories... few of which are actually funny.

1. Humans sustaining serious injury. I fail to see how having a motorcycle land on your head is funny. Call me a prude.

2. Babies. Aren't they funny when they eat! Nothing like watching take after take after take of baby after baby after baby spit out strained peas. I just feel bad for the kids.

3. How stupid must people feel when they think they have come up with THEE most original idea only to find that 35 other people have thought of the exact same thing and they show all of them in a montage. Specifically, I just saw 300 people train their dogs to show their teeth when they say: "smile."

4. dancing mishaps. How many old people's underoos get flashed during a conga line on this show. It boggles the mind.

5. And the final category is human abusing animal. Tonight I watched a man repeatedly smack a squirrel with a pool skimmer, a little kid yank on the tail of a cat that would give it a "look" of annoyance, and a dog being forced to slow dance with a toddler.