Things I Need to Tell You...

Its almost 2:00 and I'm at work and I'm way behind thanks to hurricane Wilma, but here I am on myspace wasting time. So I need to hurry up and do one massive blow-out blog and just say all the crap that I have been too busy to say all weekend.First off, let me just say that my friend, Wayne, told me the funniest freaking story (I am going straight to hell, and I know that so SHUT UP) about this old lady who slipped and fell in Wal-Mart. The thing that was funny was that when she hit the ground, her freaking colon exploded on impact and she's all covered in poop! So, some guy goes to help her up and I guess he thought she landed in some random... grocery type product and proceeds to "dust her off" only to realize that he's massaging shit into her clothes! He yells out "AUGH! IT'S POO!!! and takes off runnig" and the old lady proceeds to walk bow-legged in typical "I just shit myself" fashion to the B-room.Before you go thinking that I am the most callous person on the planet, come on. She wasn't hurt. She was just having a shitty day. HAHA. Oh my GOD! I am so going to be the leakiest fucking, depends wearing, blind, retarded old person-- its Kaarma, and I'm really afraid of that, but the wheels have been set in motion and my long term loathing of the old and decrepid will catch up to me when i have to wear diapers at 40. Moving on. If any of you read about my fish tragedy this weekend, you will understand what I am about to tell you. See, when something horrible happens to me, I become eerily calm. (Not that a kamakizie fish suicide is horrible, but its an example, so you know where I'm coming from) For anyone who knows me, the word "calm" wouldn't appear on a top one thousand list of words to describe me. But tragedy strikes and I am just a blank slate of cool and collected. Its so weird. What is even stranger is that months later, THEN, I react. I don't cry when things happen, I have heart wrenching panic attacks months later accompanied by crazy nightmares. So it wasn't much of a surprise to me when I had this dream:I was graduating college. I don't know where this part came from, but I was with Erica Baker (I know where that came from, it was because I read something from my friend Michelle that had mentioned her right before I went to bed.) Anyway, this is weird because I haven't seen Erica since I was like 9. But anyway, we were getting ready to graduate and I had this little mini aquarium (got a big aquarium this weekend and we had been setting it up last night) and it was full of Zebra danios, which are little striped fish. (This is because I had been planning to move those fish over to the new aquarium first because they are a more robust fish than the others. You care, right?) Anyway, so we go to graduate and I somehow lose my mini aquarium and when I go back to look for it, I find all my fish on the carpet dying!! So I am quickly trying to scoop them up and put them in the tank and I think that they are dying as they hit the water, but I can't take the time to look because I have to hurry and get all of these tiny fish into the tank from the floor!!! I was having a hard time picking them up because they were wiggly and cold and wet and I was scared I was going to squish them! All of a sudden I notice that one of the fish is like chopped in half and he is still flopping about- - head independednt from body! I woke up freaking out because I didn't know whether or not to put him in the fishtank or not since he was in pieces!I'll give you a second to absorb that.Next on my order of business is pointing out the obvious. I live in Florida. WHY IS IT FREAKING COLD TODAY!!!! I moved to Orlando from Sarasota and I figured it would be a little colder here, but if it is A LOT colder I am going to freak out and kill some old people. What? I leave you now with a survey. I sent it back to Julie, originally, but I figured why deprive the world of a deep look into my SOUL. The truth of the matter is that doing surveys at work keeps me from taking naps. I can't resist it. They are like dangling a snickers bar in front of me if I were locked away at fat camp. Sad, but true. 1. Your name spelled backwards? refinnej2. Where were your parents born? Detroit.3. What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer? German porn starring your mom4. What's your favorite restaurant? Don pablos and P.R.s and the Holly Hotel5. Last time you swam in a pool? Mike makes me go out after work and swim in the fountains in the mall, collecting change so we can pay our rent.6. Have you ever been in a school play? I got a jump rope stuck on my head BEFORE the school play but in front of the entire audience, just the same because my friends and I thought we were cool enough to show the world our made-up jump rope songs and routines.7. How many kids do you want? NONE8. Type of music you dislike most? Thugged out crap9. Are you registered to vote? Yes, but I have to change my address10. Do you have cable? heck yes, I do, I couldn't call myself fat if I didn't11. Have you ever ridden on a moped? yeah, my cousin had one. I plan to visit him in prison soon.12. Ever prank-called anybody? If you really want to freak out the debt collectors you answer the phone saying: "Thank you for calling Keller financial, our office hours are Monday through Friday 8am to 4pm. Please have your most recent statements available if you are calling to speak with an agent. Thank you for calling, we look forward to working with you soon." Then quietly hang up.....13. Best friends? Mike, Ryan, and Kelly14. Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving? I get nauseated in the Omnimax, what do you think?15. Furthest place you ever traveled? From MI to Florida16. Do you have a garden? we are actually growing two different kinds of tomatoes and jalapenos.17. What's your favorite comic strip? Do you know me at all? SNOOPY!18. Do you really know all the words to your national anthem? Shore do19. Bath or Shower, morning or night? Shower in the morning, or else I look like shit.20. Best movie you've seen in the past month? Triplets of Belleview, if you have seen this movie, you're awesome.21. Favorite pizza toppings? mushrooms22. Chips or popcorn? chips and dip23. What color lipstick do you usually wear? none24. Have you ever smoked peanut shells? aparently someone has25. Have you ever been in a beauty pageant? I was actually a contender but there was this terrible rollerblade accident involving a wild coyote and a jar of applesauce26. Orange Juice or apple? Hello, FL orange juice!27. Who was the last person you went out to dinner with and where? Me, Mike, and Midas went to Sonic. I got a hot dog and it smelle funny.28. Favorite type of chocolate bar? Twix29. When was the last time you voted at the polls? last election30. Last time you ate a homegrown tomato? 12? maybe 13? yrs.31. Have you ever won a trophy? Softball, NHS, and something else... probably journalism related.32. Are you a good cook? I give myself a lot of shit, but I am pretty good because me and mike cook as a team and we are awesome.33. Do you know how to pump your own gas? I can do it with my eyes closed and no handed!34. Ever ordered from an infomercial? I ordered these pectoral inserts, you put it on under your clothes and it makes you look like you have these giant pecs. Okay, I didnt do that, but.... your mom goes to college!35. Sprite or 7-up? 7-Up with OJ36. Have you ever had to wear a uniform to work? I wore a vest and bowtie for YEARS.37. Last thing you bought at a Walgreens? Tylenol Severe Cold38. Ever thrown up in public? Parking lots beware. One alcohol related ralph fest in the 7-11 parking lot and once because I hadn't eaten in about a month and I was put on flu medicine called tamiflu. I had to pull over on the way home and throw up in a real estate office parking lot. It was neon green.39. Would you prefer being a millionaire or finding true love? I have everything I want!40. Do you believe in love at first sight? I am a person who would say no, but I knew Mike was the one for me before I even met him and I can't explain that.41. Can ex's be just friends? sure, I guess. I don't feel comfortable around them, and being with someone new I wouldn't feel comfortable telling the ex things... and what good is a friend you have to walk on eggshells around. I'm better off without em. No skin off my ass.42. Who was the last person you visited in a hospital? My friend, Blanche43. Did you have a lot of hair as a baby? I just looked like your average Korean baby.44. What message is on your answering machine?" You've reached Mike, Jenn, and or Kris.... please leave a message." Mike, I hate you.--- ERIN: Remember: "BELIEVE OR NOT JENN AND ERIN AREN'T HOME PLEASE LEAVE A MESSSSAAAGGGEEE AT THE BEEP! WE MUST BE OUT OR WE'D PICK UP THE PHONE, WHERE COULD WE BE? BELIEVE IT OR NOT, WE'RE NOT HOMMMMMEEEEE!!!!!!"45. Where would you like to go? Oaxaca46. What was the name of your first pet? Wolfe the dog. I trained him to bite my sister and that was the end of that.47. What kinda backpack do u have, and what's in it? its from bed bath and beyond. Its cool. I keep my smelly gym clothes in there. 48. Who is your best friend of the opposite sex? My Mike and Ryan49. What is one thing you are grateful for today? Knowing that my money is secure in the hands of my trustworthy and dependable financial institution. Sunrtrust.... you are my sunshine... my only sunshine....50. What do you think about most? How to become a juggy dancer for the man show.You stay classy San Diego.