Friday, January 4, 2008

Cheese Pins and Lies

Linens N Things is synonymous with the selling of overpriced gizmoish crap that, lets face it, no one really needs. I have always been amazed at the number of people that will gawk open mouthed at the miraculous invention of a toothpaste squeezer. One such invention proudly displayed in impulse alley currently is the cheese pin.Yes, the cheese pin promises to take care of all of your cheese cutting needs.

What in the HELL is a cheese pin you ask? It is a knob of plastic that you jam into a piece of cheese. You then hold the knob/pin whilst "cutting the cheese" (no pun intended) and this is supposed to alleviate the stress that one would normally feel about slicing cheese sans knob.

Its honestly, ridiculous... yet people think they need it. The whole cheese pin scenario has become a metaphor for my working existence at Linens and Crap. Its honestly, ridiculous and I really don't need it.

Since recovering from my cold, I have since developed any number of chronic and infectious lung conditions that could be any of the following:
Common Cold... from hell
Typhoid Fever
Amoebic Dysentery
the baldness gene
the Bubonic Plague.

I don't know what the hell is going on with my physical health, all I know is that each time I go into work at Linens and Germs, I come home sicker than I was before I left the house that day. Whatever is causing the endless snot stream at the back of my throat is showing no end in sight. I think its time to cleanse myself of the bacterial culture of my job.

But back to the Cheese pins. Its really all about the stupid cheese pins. Do you know what cheese pins really are? They are lies. Cheese lies. Assuming that you do actually find yourself in a position where you are regularly slicing small to medium hunks of cheese, do you really think this cheese pin will help you? Sure, you'll have something to hold on to, but the mere existence of this thing makes it harder to cut. I'm not exaggerating, there is a picture on the box that shows all of four slices of cheese being cut successfully and then the knife runs into said cheese pin.
Soooo typical that such a product would be found at the counter of Linens and Lies.

Here are some of the more recent lies that have disrupted my life, courtesy of my "job."
1. I told them that my last day of work there would be the 28th. My reasoning was that I wanted time to myself before school began again to brush up on everything before I forgot what I already learned. I also didn't want to begin the new year employed by them because now I'll have four days of pay stubs to worry about on next years taxes. Anyhow, I was sick for three days during that time and when I came back I was on the schedule the whole next week. As I tried to explain that I had planned to make the 28th my last day, I was told by the scheduling manager that HE was told that I felt so bad for calling in sick that I wanted to "make it up to them."
How can you argue with that, right? Well, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that even if someone had lied and said that-- I had been on the old schedule for the 29th anyway. So clearly, they KNEW I was a push over and didn't care.
So now, I have worked the last five days straight, without a break, and sicker than I have been yet because I would be "screwing over the whole company" by calling out.

Well. I am scheduled to work a good ten hour shift tomorrow, but since we are in such DIRE need of employees and they aren't bothering to interview the people that have been parading through with applications, I think this officially falls under the jurisdiction of: "Not my problem."
So tonight was my last.

One more fun little Linens n Lies antectdote is in regards to closing. One of the other girls I workED with asked the manager if we could be out by ten if we made sure to get done with all the projects, etc. She had to be somewhere. The manager responded that they weren't allowed to let the employees go before ten thirty.

Okay, let me break this one down for you so that we can all see what a blatant lie it is:
1. The schedule had hours figured until ten o'clock. If it was for sure going to be ten thirty that we were all there, they would have had to figure that into the hours.
2. The lights automatically shut off just after ten. They have to manually be turned back on.
3. All of the other managers that don't hate their home life manage to let us go before ten thirty.
4. What company in their right mind would say; "Well... the store has been closed for an hour... and there isn't anything for anyone to do... but lets all just take a seat and play duck, duck, goose until the clock reaches 10:30. It'll be good for your paychecks!"

Finally, to anyone fool enough to think they actually need a cheese pin in their lives, the sad truth of the matter is, that pretty soon you will realize you were better paying an extra $3.00 for a Julienne slicer and the retarded cheese pin will be tossed to the back of the drawer, forgotten until the next garage sale.

Like the cheese pin, Linens and Things has been tossed into a forgotten drawer in the back of my mind, only to be drudged out again years from now when I'll need therapy to rid my mental health of the woes that I now feel physically.

Thanks for the ride, Linens and Crap. It couldn't have sucked more.

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