Wednesday, December 3, 2008

The Blammmme Gammmmme! Brought to you by Fancy Feast.

Bravo, forever a staple on my television dial, provides the mindless background noise that I crave while getting dressed in the morning or folding laundry. It seems lately they are playing the Real Housewives series over and over. I must have listened to the same portion of the same episode a thousand times and yesterday was no exception. I turned on the ol' idiotbox just in time to see the train wreck of a face that belongs to "Kim" from said show.

I'm not sure exactly what went wrong there, but yikes. Anyhow, "Kim" was chomping on and spitting out words through her plastic lips-- something to the tune of: "[she] doesn't need negative people in her life. [She's] deleting anyone who isn't positive from her phone... blah, blah, blah, [she] is a positive person, blah, blah, diamonds and boobs."
Something about the way she said this... or possibly her neon outfit and bottomless cleavage, got me thinking about doing something positive with MY life. Here's my idea, tell me what you think:

It will all start with a teeth bleaching session. You see, I'm going to have to have really white teeth in order to start my new career as a game show host.

It will be called The Blame Game! with peppy, canned intro music and glittery prizes such as a lifetime supply of fancy feast kitty chow in a can and a cordless phone!

Contestants will come straight off the set of the Jerry Springer show and the object of the game will be to avoid all the things that make YOU a pathetic loser by blaming OTHER PEOPLE!!!! Contestants will be judged based on their ability to hose the audience into thinking that they, themselves, are not the ones who look down on or belittle others. That they are not selfish, or obnoxious, or rude.
You see, this competition will be for those who have low self-esteem and are wavering on the edge of sociopathic tendencies and personality disorders, however, their goal is to make YOU feel bad about YOURSELF so you don't notice how completely deranged they really are. Its the only way they can make themselves feel better, and the only way they can hope to win our grand prize: A walk-on role on Bravo's latest reality sitcom: So You Think You're a Positive Person?!

In between commercial breaks for Kay Diamonds and the Honda Fit,
I will flash the audience a glamour shot of my pearly white teeth and we will continue with the dramatized nut-flexing to see which woman, and or gay man will rationalize, re-project, and re-distribute all of their pent-up self-loathing most convincingly on a harmless victim chosen at random. It will be mad-cap mayhem coming to you Thursday nights at 9! Stay Tuned!

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