Monday, January 12, 2009

Just a Squirrel, Trying to Give Some Nut

"This could only happen to you," is a sentence I have heard many times in my 28 years, but I never really believed that I was the only one who found themselves in the midst of bizarre circumstances. After today, however, I give up. You win. Weird crap happens to me. I am stating it for the record: the unusual, uncommon, and unconventional have all taken a liking to me and I can't deny it any longer.

Today on my way home from the doctor I was stopped at an intersection. I reached down to read a text message from Michelle that I had already seen once-- but I needed something to naturally divert my eyes from the break-dancing hobo in the median. This trick failed me, however, when I found him yelling and holding his cardboard sign up to my driver's side window causing an instant stomach-drop freak out. I checked all locks and tried to remain somewhat composed as he took the sign down and began to hump my car door, rubbing his nuts up and down like a dog who had found the perfect leg. I was well aware of the fact that there was a hobo making sweet love to my door-- but I didn't want to look... and at the time was pretty shaken up. I shot off a text to Michelle explaining the situation and that was all I needed to occupy a portion of my brain until the light turned green and I could once again drive safely toward a car wash.

Some people look at the homeless with pity and say: "He's just a squirrel trying to get a nut." But I'm pretty sure that he's just a squirrel trying to give some nut. Unbelievable. I have no pity for this man. In fact, I think he owes me $9.00 for a car wash.

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