Around 3:30 in the morning... yesterday... I had an epiphany. I realized that I had to... HAD TO have one of those big towels from the old 1980s Zest soap commercials. You know the ones...
"You're not fully clean unless you're ZESTFULLY clean!" sang whilst a person whom I assume is "zestfully clean" demurely snaps a towel across their more scantily clad parts which testifies to this very fact.
How great would life be if I owned one of those towels.
So I wrote a letter to Proctor and Gamble:
Dear Sir or Madame,
It has come to my attention that my purpose in life is to infact, own a Zest towel as shown in your 1980's commercials. I too, hope to be zestfully clean. Seriously, I would appreciate any assistance in locating said towel for immediate purchase.
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Around 3:30 in the morning... yesterday... I had an epiphany. I realized that I had to... HAD TO have one of those big towels from the old 1980s Zest soap commercials. You know the ones...
Saturday, December 29, 2007
1. Will you be looking for a new job in 2008?
Why yes! At some point I do plan to be something other than an unemployed housewife or minimum wage customer service bufoon at the local Linen's and Shit.
2. Will you be looking for a new relationship?
The only new relationship I could be in the market for would be a third pug. His name will be Ruhne and he'll be a rescue... and I haven't completely convinced Mike that his existence in our house is completely relavent yet.... I may be baking a lot soon....
3. New house?
Probably not this year since I still have school to finish up-- but the idea is always there. Either way, I'm sure we'll be hoarding our pennies like little crazed squirrels.
4. What will you do differently in 08?
Ahhhh. A very deep question. Lets take a look at a few things that went awry in '07 before answering that one.
1. I won't work for a place that clearly has no work coming in the door-- yet assures me that its coming. Really. Soon. They swear.
2. I will get a flu shot and possibly develop a neurotic hand washing complex.
3. I will avoid casinos.
4. I will not have roomates in any form that are not bound to me by the laws of Holy Matrimony, or dependent upon me to fill little silver bowls with food and water each day.
5. I will not live in an apartment. At least not one in Florida. At least not one in the parking lot of a Wendy's and at least not one with rent that would far outweigh a mortgage.
6. I will suffer through the next kidney stone with dignity, huddled on the floor of my bathroom in tears. Who needs hospital bills.
7. I will finish my schooling and continue forward on the old pay scale-- on a path that does not involve FCATs, state standards, adoption processes, or the molding of children's minds in any way, shape, or form.
8. I will suck it up and hire movers.
9. I will never again eat breakfast at Burger King.
10. I will no longer take anti-anxiety medication when there are world's of furry pugs just waiting to calm me down with their weird little alien noises.
5. New Years resolution?
For once I can say that I plan to continue in the direction I am headed. It appears to be working so far.
6. What will you not be doing in 08?
7. Any trips planned?
I am going to Maine for my second anniversary. Let me just tell you that the Maine Office of Tourism-- not a bunch of A students.
8. Wedding plans?
I plan to not only be at my cousin's wedding in September, but to get them a kick ass gift.
9. Major thing on your calendar?
Italian phrases and cultural trivia. I am that boring, yes.
10. What cant you wait for?
My trip to Maine and finishing my certification.
11. What would you like to see happen differently?
I really need to get back to my swimming before I forget how, sink, and die.
12. What about yourself will you be changing?
I probably have a few more bad haircuts in store for me before my hair grows out last year's inappropriate color choices.
13. What happened in 07 that you didn't think would ever happen?
Wow. I don't even know where to begin with that one. It would have to probably be the time that I got fired for "not having work to do" at a job that "wasn't getting work in at the moment." That was one for the ol' scrapbook. This photo is actually a screen capture for their website. Feel free to give me the credit for the "Dogs" book as I did that for another company and they had nothing to do with it. If they weren't out of business now, I would be more upset.
14. Will you be nicer to the people you care about?
I think you will find that I am nice enough. Loser.
15. Will you dress differently this year than you did in 07?
Well, shucks. As my reigning status of unemployment begins again in the coming weeks, I do believe that shopping at Wal-Mart will be in my future. So no.
16. Will you start or quit drinking?
I'm currently drinking orange juice. I plan to finish it soon.
17. Will you better your relationship with your family?
We are currently in a competition to see who can go the longest without visiting who.
18. Will you do charity work?
19. Will you go to the bars?
Not on purpose.
20. Will you be nice to people you don't know?
I currently view people I don't know as germ receptacles-- one of which has given me a cold. This doesn't bode well for the niceness. Thanks for asking, though.
21. Do you expect '08 to be a good year for you?
I want so badly for it to NOT suck as bad as last year that now I'll probably obsess over it and every little thing that goes wrong will be catastrophic to my continued will to live.
22. How much did you change from this time last year til now?
I don't know that I personally have changed, but my life has and its a lot better now.
23. Do you plan on having a child?
having a child do what?
24. Will you still be friends with the same people you are friends with now?
I would imagine so. Otherwise, I have a lot of board games that would go to waste.
25. Major lifestyle changes?
I will be certified in several areas of my career that will enable me to earn far more money than you. I'll have Robin Leach tell you the rest.
26. Will you be moving?
I am living in a house that is for sale, so I suppose that is a possibility.
27. What will you make sure will not happen on '08 that did in '07?
I don't know, pick someting.
28. What are your New Years Eve plans?
I have really never liked New Years for some reason. This whole time of year sucks. All that Christmas anticipation is gone and it feels like you have nothing to look forward too. I used to get Chinese food with my mom... but since moving away I usually stay home with my husband, drink hot chocolate, and pout. It suits me well.
29. Will you have someone to kiss at midnight?
chances are, I'll be asleep at midnight, dreaming that I don't act like I'm 78 years old.
30. One wish for 08?
I have a few but right now, my greatest wish is to spread survey joy to all of cyberspace.
Its one thing to be sick. Its a WHOLE other ball game when you start to get better. With my sleeping cycle bitterly out of whack, I finally turned the television off at about 3:35am-- approximately 12 hours from the time in which I woke up this morning... ehhh... afternoon. I wasn't tired yet. I could breathe. I could breatheeeee..... faint smells could be noticed. I laid there thinking about how the room smelled like sick. The sheets on the bed were new but felt dirty. I smelled dirty laundry... stacks of dishes, stinky dogs. Very faint smells. I felt dirty. The "I've been wearing pajamas and glasses for three days" dirty, even though I had just showered earlier. I wondered if I would still wake up tomorrow with such a cleaning initiative.
Either way, it was 4:30 in the morning and I had already been lying awake for an hour. I HAD to sleep.
Dogs in place toasting feet and cuddled adoringly at my side.
Pillows in place, propped up incase the snots came back, yet still comfortable.
Hot, hot, hot.
I got up and stumbled into the hall and checked the thermostat. 81. Ahhh. This is much cooler than the balmy 85 that Mike had cranked it up to earlier. I'm beginning to wonder if he doesn't possibly have malaria or typhoid fever or something. Its obviously much more traumatic than a cold...
I turned the temperature down. Got some water.
Back to bed.
Dogs in place.
Pillows in place.
Shorts have replaced pajama pants.
Ahhhh. Time to sleep.
Then the snoring begins. This is amazing to me as this man I married doesn't ever snore if the TV is on. Its the moment that I turn off the TV that he begins his communication with the dead. I can't leave on the tv because I need quiet!
I laid there wondering if it was possible that I could just somehow will myself to shut it out.
I am stumbling through the dark yet again to find the earplugs I just bought.
Back to bed.
Dogs in place.
Pillows in place.
Shorts replacing pants.
Earplugs jammed into skull.
Ready to sleep now. Silence.
Then slowly, the snoring sound begins to grow again. I have never, never heard him snore through ear plugs before.
I repositioned them... as if it would make a difference.
Finally, I yanked one out of my ear and turned on my side for a better look. Was this really my husband, or had a giant Yak slipped into my bedroom and decided to give birth on his side of the bed?
Step one. Peal the pillow from his face. Clearly he can't breathe, yet he has a pillow jammed up his nostrils. Step two shake gently.
"Um, excuse me, would you like some nasal spray? Cold Medicine? A Breathe Right Strip?"
No, of course not. What was I thinking.
I hope that there is no real danger of brain damage here as he is clearly not getting (and happy about it) oxygen.
5:30. I am envisioning lights turning on in neighborhood houses as now even the dogs are giving him mournful glances. I've known garbage trucks to make less noise.
There is no chance I'm sleeping. At all. EVER. With or without earplugs.
With or without pants and an indoor temperature that would rival a Jamaican beach.
So I got up to take a shower. Next I think I'll do some laundry and some dishes. I don't have to worry about waking him, as he can apparently sleep through anything.
Tomorrow night, I'm trying duct tape and as I have been writing this, the dogs have relocated OUT of the bedroom.
Thank you and Good night.
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
With only days left of what is probably one of the crappiest years yet to date in my existence, 2007 apparently felt it had to deliver a final low blow.
Yes, it is Christmas and I am sick as a dog. Sure, this was probably a present from Linen's and Things, but still, I'm pretty sure that 2007 had its grubby paws on that one somewhere.
I have to say that I am really looking forward to the END of this miserable year-- but just so I can say it hasn't beat me, here is a top ten list of things that have made 2007 good.
10. My birthday was pretty good! I got to go home and see my family, I got some pretty sweet loot, and I'm yet another year older!
9. Washington DC-- I did something this year!
8. Element. That was a pretty fun job and I met some really great people.
7. Whilst working at Element I was introduced to reality TV; The Bachelor, Beauty and the Geek and America's Next Top Model.
6. Mike no longer works at EA. It was hard giving up texturing the asses of football players to make Killer Kroc.
5. Midas learned to say: "Ice Cream." Sort of.
4. El Charros changed our pre-Texas lives. Delicious burritos with no waiting!
3. We got an Ab-Lounger! Now, if I could just find my abs... we'd be all set.
2. We got to trade in Fridays at Altamont for Fridays at the Alamo Drafthouse, movie nights, Arnold Nights, and Scattegories with Mike Pedro. Life improved ten-fold.
1. We moved to Texas! I am officially a Texan, LOVE it here.
Take that '07.
Friday, December 21, 2007
Incase I hadn't remembered to thank my lucky stars, lately, that I turned tail and ran from a "would-be" career in Journalism, I was reminded yet again how many are employed with similar lack-luster "skills." I made the stupid mistake of clicking on an article off of the site msn.com, famous for providing paychecks to people who likely scribble out their articles while on the toilet. They're really that bad and many of them actually leave an aftertaste of crap in the mouth.
One such piece of cyber-trash was what I thought might be a kitchy or humorous take on decoding your potential partner by what their favorite Christmas movie is. It sounded cute, I was bored... yada, yada, yada....
Basically, it was a girl and a guy each giving their opinions about someone of the opposite sex whose favorite Christmas movie was: _______.
Whoever the girl was had pretty positive things to say about just about every holiday persona. It lacked any vision, it wasn't funny and read like a fortune cookie from Phat Ho Super Buffet, but it wasn't mean spirited. The male counterpart of this article, however, seemed to find no woman at all that was worthy of being in the same room as him.
So, ladies. Here is a quick rundown, according to "Ian" why you are aren't a worthwhile person because of your holiday Christmas movie selections:
1. A Charlie Brown Christmas:
This makes you Goth and Existential, except when you're making pigpen smoke clouds dancing.
2. A Christmas Story
You're corny. But Cool... in an okay way. That was almost a compliment.
3. Bad Santa
You have a negative outlook on life and enjoy Chinese take-out.
4. The Grinch
You are stuck in a rut... you also may be... get this... grinchy.
5. Its a Wonderful Life
You're a deep thinker, about all the sad crap that happens.
6. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
You're pretty much an idiot.
7. Santa Clause is Coming to Town
Once again, you are a goth chick.
So basically, Christmas tidings aside, if you are single, you should be a one dimmensional person who is happy--- but not too happy. That's how you'll get a man these days. I won't even touch on the whole subject of looks, weight, boobs, or intelligence.
I don't want to sound overly feminist, because I understand that men need some sort of outlet for all the millions of ridiculous emails that circle around the internet like the plague about leaving the toilet seat up. Hey, it annoys me too, but as far as feminism goes, I am certainly becoming more of one the more that hip hop takes the youth of America by storm.
Its not that we're reverting back to pre-1920s propaganda and social norms where women experienced a lower level on society's ladder of existence... its actually pretty much the opposite, and its perpetuated by women themselves. You can only blame men so much for what's happened.
Women can now work any job. Infact, women are expected to work. Many women now carry the men.
Anyway, I think that a lot of crap that women deal with today owes a great big thanks to a culture of people who are churning out this music:
There seems to be alot of mothe fuckers blind to the fact
That a ho is gonna be just that
And this type of ignorance is the very
Reason why so many niggas in the goddamned cemetary
Inteligence is on call
You don’t treat a ho like a queen who behaves lika a dog
Are you the type who wont put a ho in front of a trigger
Then you’re a ho assed nigga
Pound for pound
You knew the ho when she was fucking the whole town
She fucked you and gave your buddies a blow
But your trick ass fell in love with the ho
Tried to change her make her be an angel
You keep putting your damn life in danger
Fronting niggas about that slutty ass trifling crow
You gotta let e ho be a ho
Shes a ho, d how the fuck you know
Every time I see the ho she’s with a new negro
Shes the type of ho thats bound
To wear shorts up her ass when your friends come around
Shes the kinda ho thatll make you cry
The kinda ho you have to call before you come by
So why do you wanna kill when she says no more
You ain’t the first to be dumped by a goddamned whore
Crazy mother fuckers fighting over hoes
Stealing for their asses and jumping out of windows
If a ho wants out I let her sinky ass go
Cos ima let a ho be a ho
*** It gets worse, but I'm gonna try to keep it a little cleaner for the kiddies.
This Christmas classic brought to you by Geto Boys and the Letter "G"
Monday, December 17, 2007
Someone actually asked me to repost this-- how flattering. So this was Christmas for me, I think... two years ago? Anyway, enjoy.
Was it put your hands in the air where I can see 'em... or was it get down and cover your head? I tried to remember what it is that people want you to do on TV when they are robbing banks as I slowly come to realize that the Hallmark in which I am standing in line is not actually being robbed at gunpoint. As the poor cashier finishes putting my little bracelet charm in a box a man had burst through the door, unshaven and wearing dark glasses and a wool hat (ahem, FLORIDA.) He went straight for the counter where I was standing and without asking just blurted out the words: "MUSIC BOX. " I didn't know if this was code for "give me all your money" or something else, just because of the way he said it. The cashier, who has not allowed her enormous holiday smile to fade in the least only blinks her eyes and says: "I'm sorry, sir... we're out." At this he pounded his fist on the counter, leaned in a little as if to stare straight into her soul to see if she was infact telling the truth, and the storms off.Merry Christmas.So this is where I begin my long awaited rant regarding holiday shoppers and customers in general. Should the situation have been differnt and it was me looking for the music box, I would have taken the time to wait my turn and THEN ask the cashier the complete sentence "Excuse me, can you please tell me where I could find a music box?" THEN, if she said they were out I would say: "Okay. Thank you." Disappointed as I may be I am never rude to cashiers. NEVER. I may go outside and scream "FUCK!" but I don't treat cashiers like that ever.That story aside, I would now like to launch into my list of holiday shopping faux paus which I may follow with a musical number. I haven't decided yet.
1. Why is it that it seems like I am the ONLY person who steps aside when others are coming. This sounds so petty, but its true! I seem to be bobbing and weaving through a maze of shoppers and I'm the only one who has strayed from my path by so much as an inch! If I did the same thing, I would plow people right over and I am at a point where I am entertaining that very thought. See, when you are Christmas shopping here in Millenia, you find your usual crowd of house wives in $500.00 Bebe Sport, bejeweled tracksuits and $300 heels from Charles David, stollers, old people, people in motorized transportation devices and your scattering of "normal" people. I gaurantee that if I set my mind to it and I don't step aside for them, I would knock them on their designer ass. This goes for families of kids all holding hands spread across entire aisleways, metro sexual Patrick Batemanesque men that worry excessively that bumping into someone may wrinkle their hollister shirts, but still won't share the space, and fat people in motorized carts that can't trouble themselves with the excercise of moving for fear that their inner thighs will catch fire due to the friction of rubbing human meat.
2. What is up with strollers nowadays? Seriously? What happened to the compact little things that people pushed around when we were kids? Now they are giant brightly colored child buckets that fit either very fat children or very old children. Eitherway, its not pretty.
3. When there is one line and someone opens up a new one and yells "next" they aren't referring to the last person in line who hasn't been waiting at all. If you're that person, I hate to break it to you, but you're an asshole and one of these days one of my tracksuit divas are gonna bust a heal in your ass and then buy a starbucks.
4. It isn't the cashier's fault that Store Blah is out of some fad item. Its yours. You should have put down the ding dongs and gotten your fat ass to the store earlier. I'm sure you have Tivo. What are you waiting for?
5. I'm sorry but its not cute to let your little boy ride a pink bike around the tiny San Rio store at the mall. Its just not. And his screaming when you make him leave... not adorable.
6. Parents: thank you for gracing the public with the presence of your children who have not yet fully recovered from the croup. Their constant hacking and wiping of snot along their arms and spreading to everything they touch will no doubt ensure that everyone will get the plague for Christmas this year.
7. Why? Why do you ladies have to wear stilletos to the mall. I love to feel tall and pretty in my happy, strappy shoes too.... but I watch them struggle against the steps and the crowds and I think to myself: "Why?" You're wearing a tracksuit like you just came back from the gym... why ballroom slippers? WHY? For those of us who need to try to get around you, its really irritating.
8. Bathe. I got stuck in the corner of San Rio today by an enormous woman checking out the pencil supply. I literally couldn't move and was going to wait it out until she called her husband over... Mr. Stinky. The man smelled like taco bell hot sauce.
9. Don't be a douchebag. Just try your best. One of my coworkers actually asked if anyone had ever "regifted" right in front of someone who had just given us all a Christmas gift. I know that he wasn't making any kind of remark as to what he had received, but think before you speak because that is a really arrogant thing to say. It could have been taken so wrong.
10. Try not to kill others. As Christmas gets closer, traffic gets proggressively crazier. People cutting people off speeding above 90, honking at people who go 80, driving over the median, you name it, I have seen it this week. I just think that no one wants 12 steaming brains of family members splattered across I-4 for Christmas. Maybe I'm wrong. Da dunno.
11. For God's Sake. Try not to burn down your house like so many people did at Thanksgiving. I am not trying to be funny, all those horrible turkey fryer stories...I'm just waiting to hear whose lights torch a Christmas tree or how uncle Joe gets stuck and subsequently squeezed to death in a chimney.
12. Keep your cool. How many people are freaking out over some stupid little thing that means nothing and will be forgotten in a month. Really? I can't think of one person in my family that wouldn't pretend to love the basket of panty hose I buy them so do you really think they are going to hate you if you don't slaughter a family of nine to steal their Xbox 360? Not that I am Ms. Calm and level headed... I did call a lady a dumbass to her face today but she deserved it... and we're not talking about ME anyway. Sooooo...........
The Twelve Gripes of Christmas.
For my first gripe of Christmas, Orlando gave to me: a crowd of people all so angry
For my second gripe of Christmas, Orlando gave to me: Two mighty shoves and a crowd of people all so angry.
For my third gripe of Christmas, Orlando gave to me: Three fatheads, two mighty shoves, and a crowd of people all so angry.
For my fourth gripe of Christmas, Orlando gave to me: Four name calling jerks, three fatheads, two mighty shoves and a crowd of people all so angry.
For my fifth gripe of Christmas, Orlando gave to me: FIVE coughing brats! Four name calling jerks, three fatheads, two mighty shoves and a crowd of people all so angry.
For my sixth gripe of Christmas, Orlando gave to me: Six times the waiting, FIVE coughing brats! Four name calling jerks, three fatheads, two mighty shoves, and a crowd of people all so angry.
For my seventh gripe of Christmas, Orlando gave to me: Seven moms a bitching, six times the waiting, FIVE coughing brats! Four name calling jerks, three fatheads, two mighty shoves, and a crowd of people all so angry.
For my eighth gripe of Christmas, Orlando gave to me: 8 tracksuit divas, seven moms a bitching, six times the waiting, FIVE coughing brats! Four name calling jerks, three fat heads, two mighty shoves, and a crowd of people all so angry.
For my ninth gripe of Christmas, Orlando gave to me: Nine hoochies prancing, eight tracksuit divas, seven moms a bitching, six times the waiting, FIVE coughing brats! four name calling jerks, three fatheads, two mighty shoves, and a crowd of people all so angry.
For my tenth gripe of Christmas, Orlando gave to me: ten cashiers weeping, nine hoochies prancing, eight tracksuit divas, seven moms a bitching, six times the waiting, FIVE coughing brats! Four name calling jerks, three fatheads, two mighty shoves and a crowd of people all so angry.
For my eleventh gripe of Christmas, Orlando gave to me: 11 Visas swiping, ten cashiers weeping, nine hoochies prancing, eight tracksuit divas, seven moms a bitching, six times the waiting, FIVE coughing brats! Four name calling jerks, three fatheads, two mighty shoves, and a crowd of people all so angry.
For my twelveth gripe of Christmas, Orlando gave to me: Tweleve steaming brains, 11 visas swiping, ten cashiers weeping, nine hoochies prancing, eight tracksuit divas, seven moms a bitching, six times the waiting, FIVE coughing brats! Four name calling jerks, three fatheads, two mighty shoves, and a crowd of people all so angry.
Thank you. Thank you.
Friday, December 14, 2007
I don't often have time to just sit and veg out in front of the TV. I probably didn't have time tonight, either, but I did. Just my luck, I can finally sit down and watch something and there's NOTHING on. So after flipping through the channels for a good 20 minutes, I finally settled on something mindless. America's Funniest Home Videos.
I have been watching this for about a half hour and I realized that the videos people send in basically fall into one of five categories... few of which are actually funny.
1. Humans sustaining serious injury. I fail to see how having a motorcycle land on your head is funny. Call me a prude.
2. Babies. Aren't they funny when they eat! Nothing like watching take after take after take of baby after baby after baby spit out strained peas. I just feel bad for the kids.
3. How stupid must people feel when they think they have come up with THEE most original idea only to find that 35 other people have thought of the exact same thing and they show all of them in a montage. Specifically, I just saw 300 people train their dogs to show their teeth when they say: "smile."
4. dancing mishaps. How many old people's underoos get flashed during a conga line on this show. It boggles the mind.
5. And the final category is human abusing animal. Tonight I watched a man repeatedly smack a squirrel with a pool skimmer, a little kid yank on the tail of a cat that would give it a "look" of annoyance, and a dog being forced to slow dance with a toddler.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Do you ever wonder why people say that Christmas is the saddest or loneliest time of year? Why, with all the happy little elves singing merry little Christmas songs, its a wonder that so many people chose this time of year to fling themselves off a bridge! Yet Christmas care call centers available for those contemplating the ultimate punishment for failing in Last Years resolutions are available all around the world. Crisis Centers will tell you its their busiest day of the year.
In case you can't tell, I'm feeling a little of the Christmas "ugly" right now. I feel ripped off, lonely, sad, nostalgic, and mostly... self pitiful. Yes, woe is me. As I sit here typing this, I even feel guilty for wanting to torch neighborhood Christmas trees and pull lights from houses and dance a jig on top of them. My only outlet is watching Maya gnaw on the face of an Abominable Snowman Christmas Stocking. But Christmas is done for me. I look forward to going out and picking out gifts for my family and friends. I love trying to find something that is actually meaningful and not just "something." I also love to wrap things myself, make my own bows, color coordinate wrapping paper and all that other Martha Stewartish crap... so why would someone like me suddenly turn into the Grinch?
My reason is simple. I'm done Christmas shopping and wrapping gifts. I'm going to mail my box of stuff home tomorrow... because once again, I won't be there. Its too impossible to go home for the holidays anymore. It costs too much, its hard to get the time off work, and worse yet, I'm sure there is so much going on at home that like it or not, my presence isn't really all that missed. I miss not being at home, though. Its pretty damn lonely doing Christmas by yourself. And yes, I am married, but my husband works 365 days a year... even when he is at home, so really it is by myself. He hates Christmas cookies, so I don't make them. We tried to get a Christmas tree, but the one place that sells them at an affordable price doesn't take Visa (what the hell?) so we have no Christmas tree.
On a side note, I would really like to know why a wad of green pipe cleaners in a metal stand costs over $200. I don't think I'd pay that for a rare breed of Christmas Pine straight from the heart of the rain forest. Anyway....
Mike outright refuses to hang lights or decorations for reasons too long to get into here. He hates giving gifts because he says he can't afford to give people the things he really wants to give them. So he's a regular Jolly soul this time of year. So basically the next time I'll feel any sort of holiday joy is when my family calls on Christmas day. Then we'll hang up and I'll feel lousy the rest of the day-- wondering why the holidays turned into such a bummer... then I'll go rearrange the bookshelf or scrub some dishes.
It just isn't Christmas anymore. Christmas went away. Maybe that happens when you grow up and become an adult... but it sucks. I had the BEST Christmases ever as a kid. I don't think anything could have ever topped the way my parents made Christmas every year. Missing your family on Christmas is just about the worst feeling in the world. Sometimes I wonder if life is a balancing act and I had it SO good for so long that its almost like its my turn to see things from the outside looking in.
So Christmas, I am done with you. I am putting away the stupid Santa on the table and the stupid red sock that Maya is chewing on and I'm looking forward to the end of 2007. Onward to '08.
Christmas Care Hotline: (manned by the good folks at the Salvation Army:)130.036.3622
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Please see music for this song above. I couldn't get them to post this together and this has become too much trouble for something this stupid.
What if Maya was a Platypus?
Just a stinky slobberpus?
Just a duck-billed stinkerpus
Trying to sit and chew her bone.
She just wants to be alone.
Sunday, December 9, 2007
Its been awhile since I have had the pure earthly joy of being a retail slave. I forgot how blindly stupid the general population is.
Here is a top ten list of stupid crap that customers come up with in their little mini-pea brains and then actually say out loud.
10. "Excuse me, can you give me a coupon?"
Where are these magic stores that give you a coupon for what you're buying? I don't know how they do it because if we had coupons to just randomly hand out, it would be a blood bath in there.
9. "The price tag says this is $19.99."
Is that a question? Thanks for the recap.
8. If an item doesn't scan: "Ha, ha, ha... it must be free!"
Yes, it must be. No one else has ever thought to say that before. Really. No one.
7. "Do napkins come free with the table cloth?"
Are they packaged in the same bag? Of course they don't. Moron.
6. "Is everything in the store 20% off?"
Wow, where the hell did you hatch that one?
5. "I left my coupon at home, can you give me one of yours?"
You mean the ones growing out of the top of my head? Sure, I'll just pluck one right off for ya.
4. "Are bath towels the same as bath sheets?"
No, notice how they have different names.
3. "Do you have a senior discount?"
No, we sell Linens and things, not pancakes and matinees.
2. "How much is ________"
Well, as I have memorized the exact price of every single, tiny, meaningless little item in the store, I can tell you without hesitation that it is $39.99 and your coupon is at home.
1. "Do you take checks?"
Do we have to? Isn't there some other way you can hold up the line?
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
So I understand that if I do have any regular readers at this point they will probably groan "auugghhh, another dog birthday blog?" but frankly, my sister would be very disappointed if I left out the birthday photo montage for our little two year old, Maya.
Ahhh. I remember the first day we told Midas that he would be getting a little sister.
And now, our little Maya turns two today. She's celebrating in true Maya fashion- curled up on a bed with multiple blankets and a chunk of carrot that she refuses to eat, but refuses to let go of. The story of Maya is a nice bed time kind of story with a happy ending. You see, we were living in Florida, and I was working at Harcourt where I spent the majority of my day on the internet. I came across Maya's adorable little picture on a website and emailed it to my husband with a note saying: "aww, look how cute."
To my surprise, Mike wrote me back and said: "That's our baby girl." This is really not like Mike, but he loved her from that one little photo. We didn't even have any intention of getting another pug... but Mike just knew we had to have her. The timing couldn't have been better since Mike had just been on the recieving end of a fifteen car pile up on I-4 and we no longer were a two car family. My mom and dad had generously offered to GIVE us their truck and so we had plans to fly to Michigan to drive it back... which just happened to be where little Maya (formerly known as Munchkin,) was residing.
We started making calls and were very excited to be going to pick her up, but as we arrived, the breeders that were selling her started showing hesitation. They really didn't seem to want to get rid of her telling us that some other people were coming to look at her all of a sudden and telling us that we probably wouldn't be able to drive back with her in the truck.... and some other weird things that I won't get into here. Anyway, push came to shove and we went out there and got her. She fit right in immediately, peeing on mike's leg right off the bat.
Maya was an adorable little wall-eyed puppy. She was the runt of the litter-- infact, she was the litter. The only puppy born from her little mommy. From day one, Maya knew only a life of priveledge. She never had to fight for food and often had it specially prepared. She slept in the bed with the breeder who had fallen in love with her and was sad to let her go. She had all the toys and playtime she could have wanted and didn't even have to set foot out in the cold to use the bathroom. When she left she was given toys, food, and hand-made blankets to accompany her on her trip home. The constant love and attention she received made for an obvious difference in personality over Midas who didn't have it as easy at his birthplace. Midas, terrified of abandonment, has never gotten over his bumpy start in life where Maya has no fear at all,knowing that someone will feed her, someone will protect her, and someone will love her always.
Knowing she has no worldly concerns or worries of any kind, Maya has spent her two years honing her skills and perfecting her true talents. Such talents include power sleeping, finding the ultimate comfort spots, and zeroing in on available laps to occupy.
Here my mom learns that, just because she is on vacation doesn't mean that she won't be a slave to Maya's wants, whims and comforts of all kinds. Here, she has beat out Midas for the ultimate lap spot.
Why just sleep on a king size pillow top bed when you can sleep on a pile of pillows on top of a king size, pillow top, bed.
Here we are packing for the big move to Texas. Midas is somewhere standing around nervously as we pack boxes containing things he may or may not need. Maya helps by lounging on an extra fluffy bed pillow and chewing a bone.
Without missing a beat, Maya is back into her old routine as we unpack here in Texas. Towels used to wrap breakables were tossed into a laundry pile that Maya burrowed into for the ultimate sleep destination. Can you find her?
She truly is the Comfort Queen.
While Maya knows how to live it up and has a life of priveledge, it isn't all glitz and glamour. Maya has seen her share of hard times, too.
Any "bath" indications have Maya headed for the hills with a straightened tail and ears back. If you aren't quick enough after removing her collar, its a two person job to peal her out from under the far corner of the bed.
Sometimes known as the "cutie with da booty," the junk in Maya's trunk has been known to keep her from getting onto the couch where an empty lap surely awaits her. It can be torturous.
People have been known to take advantage of her cuteness.
WAITING for treats is definately not her style.
The Dreaded CONE.
Through it all, though, she is still quite the character. She loves to be a funny girl and make everyone laugh. She also love a good laugh herself.
Mostly, however, its a princess' life for "Pea" and if you need her, she'll be celebrating it up like a true princess on this, her second birthday. Pug kisses to you all from Maya. Our little Smia Pea.
Soaking up the rays poolside.
Eating LOTS of pizza.
Playing with your big brother
... And being top dog.
Happy Birthday, Maya!!!