Monday, August 25, 2008

Of Course Its Healthy. Its a Salad, Isn't It?

Ordering a salad should automatically score you points for health but anywhere that I have actually attempted this, has ended up a futile mess.

Even your most basic salad usually comes with a heaping ladle of shredded cheese, croutons, bacon bits, and forget it if you order something with meat. Restaurant establishments want to throw fried chicken, greasy ham, or candied walnuts in the mix. Creamy dressings, manadarin slices that have been marinating in sugar water, and my favorite, the random chinese noodle.

Lets face it. You've already got my $15.00, just give me lettuce and vegetables that haven't seen a deep fryer.


From this point on, I'm going to keep a tabulated salad score card and tell you where you can and cannot find "healthy salads."

This is the excitement you have all been waiting for.

Salads that will KILL YOU:
1. Applebees. Anything from there. Ever.
2. Stone Canyon Cafe.
3. Alamo Drafthouse. (Well. Okay. You're asking for it there.)
4. TGIFridays
5. Chuys
6. Casa Ole
7. Chilis

Salads that taste good AND are good for you:
1. Monument Cafe
2. Tropical Smoothie Cafe
3. ???

And on the other extreme. I recently had a $18.00 salad that consisted of lettuce, ceasar dressing, and ONE GRAPE cut in HALF. It would have been fine by me if the salad had cost $0.75, but come on now.

All I'm saying is, why try and eat healthy at all if your salad is going to clog your arteries slightly less than a cheesecake?

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Thhhhhheeeyyyy'rree GROSS.

What happens when Tony the Tiger, of Frosted Flakes fame, goes into the pizza business? Horrible pizza happens. HORRIBLE pizza.

It looked okay on the box: Tony's Cheese Pizza for one.
Microwavable. Gooey. Delictable? Maybe.

I followed the instructions:
Place a papertowel on microwave safe plate. CHECK.
Place pizza on microwave safe plate. Do not eat frozen. CHECK.
Microwave for 2-3 minutes. CHECK.

I figured 2 minutes and thirty seconds was perfect.

However, when I came back for my pizza a moment later, it had mutated into what can only be described as a medical disaster.

There is a large benign tumor radiating from the center... its flexible, but at the same time has elasticity that allows it to spring back from any prodding into its original position. It has flattened and spread out, taking on portions of the paper towel as its own skin. When pealed from the towel and inspected closer, it is clear that the foundation of said pizza was either a stale, flattened english muffin or a skin-hued frisbee.

A knife and fork will not cut into it.

It smells like a dumpster behind an Italian restaurant.

The dogs are not interested in the least.

I think its trying to get away from the plate...

Anyway. After much consideration, I think, instead of eating it, I'm just going to set it free in the backyard.

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