Monday, May 5, 2008

H.E.B. Here Everyone's a Boob

H.E.B. is our local grocery store. The only local grocery store. There is no Albertsons or Kroger that I know of in a 100 mile radius. Just HEBs as far as the eye can see. It stands for "Here Everything's Better" but in reality, I've come to the conclusion that on any given day, at any given time, I would rather remove my fingernails by sanding them down with a piece of sandpaper soaked in sulfuric acid than have to stop by this establishment for any reason. Rather than rant about the many reasons why death is preferable than having to stop in and buy an onion, I think I'll shorten this to two top ten lists. In case you haven't noticed, I have been sick and this marks my return to humanity... or the lack thereof within the public realm.

Part I:
Top Ten Things I Would Rather Do Than Go to HEB
10. See if I can pull a pot roast through my nose- in one nostril out the other.
9. See what the inside of a fire ant hill tastes like.
8. Give up on eating the food sold at HEB and subsist on rocks from now 'til eternity.
7. Carve the first half of the Webster's Dictionary into my arm with a rusty nail.
6. Become a professional country line dancer.
5. Experiment with household cleaning products to find the latest whitening sensation in dental hygiene.
4. See what it feels like to take a deep cleansing breath whilst submerged in a tank full of lemonade.
3. Don an entire wardrobe made of finely woven nose and butt hairs.
2. Only listen to music that features the tinny sounds of the harpsichord.
1. Be on the receiving end of an enema filled with Dave's Insanity Sauce

Part II
Top Ten New Slogans Proposed to HEB for Their Consideration
10. HEB: We Speak Much The English
9. HEB: Where Time Stands Still.
8. HEB: Where Your Will To Live Stands Still... and then Goes In Reverse.
7. HEB: Our Produce Aisle Fits 4
6. HEB: Second Home to the Elderly
5. HEB: Spend Some Time in Our Parking Lots!
4. HEB: Give Us Your Tired, Your Poor, Your Muddled Asses.
3. HEB: Because You Have To!
2. HEB: My Nephew Designed Our Parking Lot!
1. HEB: You Know What They Say About Big Shopping Carts!

Pay Attention: