Wednesday, June 18, 2008


Wow, its been so long since I have had the time, and more importantly, the energy to sit down and really complain about life, that I worry I may have lost my readers! Both of them!

I have had a bunch of things floating around in my head, though, that I wanted to tell you about so I'll try to cram it all in here and then maybe not get so behind again. If you're expecting any sort of order or grammatical structure to this, however, you're not likely to find it. Infact, I've already lost my train of thought as my eyes wandered over to Maya who is sitting quietly in the sun chewing the face off a stuffed rabbit.

Okay then.

First off, in my unwellness, I got to spend more time in bed watching TV than I am accustomed to. I kept seeing this annoying Nutri-system commercial over and over again with Jillian Barbiere in it and it really makes me think that the creators of these commercials, or possibly even the entire product line, are men. But not just any man, stupid, stupid men.
I'm not exactly your ladie's lib candiadate of the year-- infact, I hate Hillary Clinton, but I do think that these commercials are mildly offensive!
The first time I ever noticed them was when they boasted the pretty, skinny later who gushed all over about becoming a trophy wife. Wow, what a catch. But I get the idea and blah, blah, blah, didn't think of it again. Until Ms. Jillian Barbiere steps out onto the scene wearing form-fitting blue jeans and a top that shines like a polyester moon. Her big job is to catch a football and announce triumphantly: "Now, how many girls can do that?!"
Ummm... lets see, how many girls in the world minus the ones without arms minus Marcia Brady and I think we've got the answer! What do you mean how many girls can catch a football that is gently tossed in their direction? I don't know about you, but if someone tossed me a football, I would whip off a shoe and hold it up to my face and start talking on it like it was a telephone. THAT IS JUST HOW CONFUSED I WOULD BE.
And when this whole diet revolution first blorted onto the scene a few years back, I never assumed that its shiny, plastic, red-tinted food stuffs were for fat women only... I assumed that they were for fat PEOPLE. How wrong I was, as they have now, due to popular demand, I suppose, come out with a Nutri-System for Men. It is probably a bag of low-fat chips and a video of Jillian Barbiere catching a football in slow-motion set to repeat a thousand times. I don't know. Feel free to watch the above video and see if you get what I'm saying.

Also, be sure to check out my other two blogs below. I decided to split them up for readability sake.

Clearly I can't think of a witty way to end this, so I'm going to crawl into the closet with my plastic hamburger and hide from any footballs which could be wizzing through the air.

Here Piggy, Piggy, Piggy

Advertising. Apparently anyone can do it. Commercials and TV spots are getting worse by the second, it seems. I have thousands of examples of commercials that make my brain hurt, radio spots that grate at my last nerve, and badly photoshopped print ads that put my entire industry to shame. If you're going to hire some girl who can't even catch a football to do your advertising, then make sure that what they're churning out doesn't cross the line from "bad" to "I think I'll go ahead and not use this product."

One such moment occurred for me just yesterday. I had been making sausages for Mike for dinner. I'm not a big sausage fan. You will never ever hear me say, Mmmm, I think I'll have some sausage. Though, I had to admit, as I was cooking them, they smelled pretty darn good. I picked up the package and was looking at the label as I pondered whether or not I would try a piece of one and there it was, this particular sausage manufacturers idea of a great logo:

It was a baby pig nuzzling the face of the mommy pig. Not only did both look sublimely happy, but it pretty much looked like it should be on the cover of a children's book. Well, gee. Can't wait to take a big ol' bite out of that.

Way to go, Slovaceks. I'll be eating your sausage never.

Thumb-Sucking Litterer

I never understood the mentality of someone who could just litter. How could you just toss something on the ground and walk away? I feel guilty for dropping something, for God's sake. I guess its the same mind-set that makes people think its okay to leave their piles of garbage on the seats, floors, and in the cup-holders at the movies. Someone else will clean it up, right?

As if that weren't bad enough, I actually ran into someone who is a truly trying to be an all-around parasite on the planet earth and making brilliant strides in doing so. I was pulling up to one of Georgetown's many 7 minute stop-lights where you sit in long lines and watch tumbleweeds blow past the intersection and something was catching the light in the corner of my eye. It was a van in the lane next to me where a girl, about my age... who I can only assume can't catch a football... had rolled down the window about halfway and was stuffing mounds of trash out onto the road. Cups, fast food bags, and God knows what else were all raining from her window. As she stuffed the last piece out, she settled back into her seat, stuck her thumb into her mouth, and went to town on that baby like it was a trumpet in a jazz band.

Mesmorized by this, she noticed I was looking over at her. I don't think I was leering, and despite my fantasies of rubbing her nose in her garbage mess like a dog, I wasn't giving the stink eye or anything (a look which I have perfected, by the way) I was just looking in that direction.... at the thumb sucking litterer.

Well, stink eye or no stink eye, the fact that I had been looking over there at all was enough to send her into a rage that involved a whole other finger. She started screaming random swear words at me in Spanish and flicking me off, hanging out the window like she was going to somehow REALLY make a point that way. Either way, a reaction was required somehow. I could have been mature and ignored it. I could have started screaming back, though, chances are, I don't want to mess with someone who is tough enough to suck their thumb in public. Anyway, I could have been the bigger person... but I wasn't. Instead, I gestered to myself as if saying: "Me?" and then wiped a fake tear from my eye... which sent her straight over the edge.

Of course, now, all of the turtles had finished crossing the road and the light was green. So I drove away and she continued to sit in the intersection shaking her middle finger at me... or drying her thumb in the wind, something like that.

But as I drove away, I couldn't help but wonder:
First of all, I didn't confront her.
I didn't point and laugh.
I didn't make a snotty face.
As far as I can see, I didn't really do anything that warranted being called a dirty pirate hooker (maybe not exactly what she said) and I'm not even sorry that I caught the thumb-sucking hour in the low-life van. It made my day a little more interesting.
But I guess the whole thing was pretty interesting for her too.
I swear, I couldn't make this crap up. What a world.

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