Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Huge for the Holidays

Ahhh, its that time of year again. The Season of Weight Gain is upon us, and I love it so. From the first bag of Halloween candy that didn't make it near a single trick-or-treater, to the last of the Christmas cookies, it is a time of year filled with guilt and gluttony and I wouldn't have it any other way.

With only twenty days until I get to go home to see my family for Thanksgiving, thoughts are already turning to what to bring to dinner and how many family pets will throw up in the gorging aftermath. I'm very excited. In our family, the dogs are the "kids" of the family and the holidays are just as much for them as for anyone else. The rest of us have gotten old and crusty, but our dogs still cling to that youthful excitement of everything realated to the holidays and they make it more fun for everyone else.
I was thinking just this as my vet explained to me that Maya would be needing to go on food trials for allergy testing that would require her to forgo Thanksgiving this year. It may sound ridiculous, but to me it was the same as if she had told me that my hypothetical 4 year old child would not be allowed to have dinner with the family. It just is not an option. Granted, the previous portion of the conversation had labeled Maya as "a bit of a Chunker" so she could probably stand to skip it, but really... its just not an option. We're flying all the way to my parent's house in Michigan where we will be greeted by their two dogs and the whole place will end up being kind of a dog fun camp. On Thanksgiving day, they will awake early to survey the Thanksgiving preparations and spend the entire afternoon in close proximity to the oven. My dad will wait until no one is around, or so he thinks, and take turns lifting each dog for an up close smell (and in all likely hood, taste) of the turkey. At dinner time, they will each get to have a taste of the food with their normal meals and then my grandma will feed them tablescraps until they barf. It truly is the most glorious day of their lives, and it only comes once a year.
And Thanksgiving is just the beginning. Next comes Christmas and Midas takes a front seat for this one.
My husband adores the frosted sugar cookies and I made the mistake of giving a chunk to each dog last year. Subsequently, each time I would bake a new batch, Midas would sit in front of the oven and cry. It turns out, frosted sugar cookies send him into a frenzy of desire, and after only a small taste. Never have I had another dog paw at the oven door before or howl at me while I placed the cookies onto cooling racks. At least you can threaten a four-year old with an ass-kickin' and a groundin'.
And when it comes to gifts, I have never had a dog that didn't dive right in and open every wrapped piece of anything in their line of sight. I'm pretty sure they don't REALLY care what they get, but the shear joy of wildly tearing the paper off of soft squeaking items is more than they can handle. So as you can see, the holidays truly are for the dogs. My dogs, at least.
But what I was really trying to say is that personally, I am in for two solid months of temptations, mental calculations, picking, gorging, and finally, whining. It will be interesting to see just how well I can stick to my guns this year as a diabetic noob. I expect more on this subject to follow and invite anyone else to weigh in on the subject too.
I leave you with this holiday classic to get you in the mood:
Twas the Night Before Christmas:

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the store
The people were all in a larger size than before;

The blue jeans were hung by the chimney with care,
So the dryer wouldn't shrink their favorite pair.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of junk food danced in their heads;

And Mike with his pie, and I with my cake
Had just gone to bed holding plates for Godsake.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Put down my plate of cheesey potato mash

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a car full of relatives and cases of beer,

With a little old driver, so lively with spunk,
I knew in a moment, they're probably drunk.

More rapid than eagles the courses they came,
And we whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

"Now, Dinner! now, Candy! now, Pickles and Nuts!

On, Turkey! on Taters! on our hips, thighs, and butts!

Have another Christmas Cookie! Try another slice of pie!

Pile on the conidments, straight to the sky!

As dry heaves that before the wild turkey flew,
Tomorrow we'll make it all better-- With stew!

And then, in a twinkling, I heard, like a hog
The prancing and pawing of each little dog.

As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,
Straight down the hatch went the turkey I had found.

They are dressed all in fur, from their head to their feet,
And all they really care about is a bite of some meat.

A bundle of toys are flung on the floor,
And they know that at Christmas, they'll even get more..

Their eyes how they twinkle, their manners so bad--!
They beg from the table, but we're not even mad!

They'll each get their treats, its the least we could do,
We'll make our pets fat and they'll suffer too!

But back to the story, of how I got fat
I can't blame the dog, the neighbor, or cat

I have a broad face and a round little belly
If we run out of food, I'll eat a bowl full of jelly.

I'm chubby and plump, and its off to the gym;
As the holiday memories start to go dim.

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
My trainer had given me something to dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
"Do Curls," "Do crunches," man what a jerk.

And laying his finger on my wrist for a pulse.
He made such a face I thought it had to be false.

He sprang to his feet, to his team gave a whistle,
And to me they all flew, with what looked like a Bissle.

But I heard him exclaim, as I faded to sleep,
"Lipo for her, she's the size of a Jeep!"

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