Monday, December 17, 2007

Encore!

Someone actually asked me to repost this-- how flattering. So this was Christmas for me, I think... two years ago? Anyway, enjoy.

Was it put your hands in the air where I can see 'em... or was it get down and cover your head? I tried to remember what it is that people want you to do on TV when they are robbing banks as I slowly come to realize that the Hallmark in which I am standing in line is not actually being robbed at gunpoint. As the poor cashier finishes putting my little bracelet charm in a box a man had burst through the door, unshaven and wearing dark glasses and a wool hat (ahem, FLORIDA.) He went straight for the counter where I was standing and without asking just blurted out the words: "MUSIC BOX. " I didn't know if this was code for "give me all your money" or something else, just because of the way he said it. The cashier, who has not allowed her enormous holiday smile to fade in the least only blinks her eyes and says: "I'm sorry, sir... we're out." At this he pounded his fist on the counter, leaned in a little as if to stare straight into her soul to see if she was infact telling the truth, and the storms off.Merry Christmas.So this is where I begin my long awaited rant regarding holiday shoppers and customers in general. Should the situation have been differnt and it was me looking for the music box, I would have taken the time to wait my turn and THEN ask the cashier the complete sentence "Excuse me, can you please tell me where I could find a music box?" THEN, if she said they were out I would say: "Okay. Thank you." Disappointed as I may be I am never rude to cashiers. NEVER. I may go outside and scream "FUCK!" but I don't treat cashiers like that ever.That story aside, I would now like to launch into my list of holiday shopping faux paus which I may follow with a musical number. I haven't decided yet.

1. Why is it that it seems like I am the ONLY person who steps aside when others are coming. This sounds so petty, but its true! I seem to be bobbing and weaving through a maze of shoppers and I'm the only one who has strayed from my path by so much as an inch! If I did the same thing, I would plow people right over and I am at a point where I am entertaining that very thought. See, when you are Christmas shopping here in Millenia, you find your usual crowd of house wives in $500.00 Bebe Sport, bejeweled tracksuits and $300 heels from Charles David, stollers, old people, people in motorized transportation devices and your scattering of "normal" people. I gaurantee that if I set my mind to it and I don't step aside for them, I would knock them on their designer ass. This goes for families of kids all holding hands spread across entire aisleways, metro sexual Patrick Batemanesque men that worry excessively that bumping into someone may wrinkle their hollister shirts, but still won't share the space, and fat people in motorized carts that can't trouble themselves with the excercise of moving for fear that their inner thighs will catch fire due to the friction of rubbing human meat.

2. What is up with strollers nowadays? Seriously? What happened to the compact little things that people pushed around when we were kids? Now they are giant brightly colored child buckets that fit either very fat children or very old children. Eitherway, its not pretty.

3. When there is one line and someone opens up a new one and yells "next" they aren't referring to the last person in line who hasn't been waiting at all. If you're that person, I hate to break it to you, but you're an asshole and one of these days one of my tracksuit divas are gonna bust a heal in your ass and then buy a starbucks.

4. It isn't the cashier's fault that Store Blah is out of some fad item. Its yours. You should have put down the ding dongs and gotten your fat ass to the store earlier. I'm sure you have Tivo. What are you waiting for?

5. I'm sorry but its not cute to let your little boy ride a pink bike around the tiny San Rio store at the mall. Its just not. And his screaming when you make him leave... not adorable.

6. Parents: thank you for gracing the public with the presence of your children who have not yet fully recovered from the croup. Their constant hacking and wiping of snot along their arms and spreading to everything they touch will no doubt ensure that everyone will get the plague for Christmas this year.

7. Why? Why do you ladies have to wear stilletos to the mall. I love to feel tall and pretty in my happy, strappy shoes too.... but I watch them struggle against the steps and the crowds and I think to myself: "Why?" You're wearing a tracksuit like you just came back from the gym... why ballroom slippers? WHY? For those of us who need to try to get around you, its really irritating.

8. Bathe. I got stuck in the corner of San Rio today by an enormous woman checking out the pencil supply. I literally couldn't move and was going to wait it out until she called her husband over... Mr. Stinky. The man smelled like taco bell hot sauce.

9. Don't be a douchebag. Just try your best. One of my coworkers actually asked if anyone had ever "regifted" right in front of someone who had just given us all a Christmas gift. I know that he wasn't making any kind of remark as to what he had received, but think before you speak because that is a really arrogant thing to say. It could have been taken so wrong.

10. Try not to kill others. As Christmas gets closer, traffic gets proggressively crazier. People cutting people off speeding above 90, honking at people who go 80, driving over the median, you name it, I have seen it this week. I just think that no one wants 12 steaming brains of family members splattered across I-4 for Christmas. Maybe I'm wrong. Da dunno.

11. For God's Sake. Try not to burn down your house like so many people did at Thanksgiving. I am not trying to be funny, all those horrible turkey fryer stories...I'm just waiting to hear whose lights torch a Christmas tree or how uncle Joe gets stuck and subsequently squeezed to death in a chimney.

12. Keep your cool. How many people are freaking out over some stupid little thing that means nothing and will be forgotten in a month. Really? I can't think of one person in my family that wouldn't pretend to love the basket of panty hose I buy them so do you really think they are going to hate you if you don't slaughter a family of nine to steal their Xbox 360? Not that I am Ms. Calm and level headed... I did call a lady a dumbass to her face today but she deserved it... and we're not talking about ME anyway. Sooooo...........

The Twelve Gripes of Christmas.
For my first gripe of Christmas, Orlando gave to me: a crowd of people all so angry

For my second gripe of Christmas, Orlando gave to me: Two mighty shoves and a crowd of people all so angry.

For my third gripe of Christmas, Orlando gave to me: Three fatheads, two mighty shoves, and a crowd of people all so angry.

For my fourth gripe of Christmas, Orlando gave to me: Four name calling jerks, three fatheads, two mighty shoves and a crowd of people all so angry.

For my fifth gripe of Christmas, Orlando gave to me: FIVE coughing brats! Four name calling jerks, three fatheads, two mighty shoves and a crowd of people all so angry.

For my sixth gripe of Christmas, Orlando gave to me: Six times the waiting, FIVE coughing brats! Four name calling jerks, three fatheads, two mighty shoves, and a crowd of people all so angry.

For my seventh gripe of Christmas, Orlando gave to me: Seven moms a bitching, six times the waiting, FIVE coughing brats! Four name calling jerks, three fatheads, two mighty shoves, and a crowd of people all so angry.

For my eighth gripe of Christmas, Orlando gave to me: 8 tracksuit divas, seven moms a bitching, six times the waiting, FIVE coughing brats! Four name calling jerks, three fat heads, two mighty shoves, and a crowd of people all so angry.

For my ninth gripe of Christmas, Orlando gave to me: Nine hoochies prancing, eight tracksuit divas, seven moms a bitching, six times the waiting, FIVE coughing brats! four name calling jerks, three fatheads, two mighty shoves, and a crowd of people all so angry.

For my tenth gripe of Christmas, Orlando gave to me: ten cashiers weeping, nine hoochies prancing, eight tracksuit divas, seven moms a bitching, six times the waiting, FIVE coughing brats! Four name calling jerks, three fatheads, two mighty shoves and a crowd of people all so angry.

For my eleventh gripe of Christmas, Orlando gave to me: 11 Visas swiping, ten cashiers weeping, nine hoochies prancing, eight tracksuit divas, seven moms a bitching, six times the waiting, FIVE coughing brats! Four name calling jerks, three fatheads, two mighty shoves, and a crowd of people all so angry.

For my twelveth gripe of Christmas, Orlando gave to me: Tweleve steaming brains, 11 visas swiping, ten cashiers weeping, nine hoochies prancing, eight tracksuit divas, seven moms a bitching, six times the waiting, FIVE coughing brats! Four name calling jerks, three fatheads, two mighty shoves, and a crowd of people all so angry.

Thank you. Thank you.

3 comments:

Lissy said...

Thank you.

Monster Library Student said...

Jenny,

I loved it. :) You made me smile!
Also, "Mr. Stinky. The man smelled like taco bell hot sauce." (wasn't this also the characteristic of someone that used to frequent the cinema?) :)

JennPav said...

it certainly was! Distant cousin?

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