It's Beginning to Look a lot Like Crapmas.

Do you ever wonder why people say that Christmas is the saddest or loneliest time of year? Why, with all the happy little elves singing merry little Christmas songs, its a wonder that so many people chose this time of year to fling themselves off a bridge! Yet Christmas care call centers available for those contemplating the ultimate punishment for failing in Last Years resolutions are available all around the world. Crisis Centers will tell you its their busiest day of the year.

In case you can't tell, I'm feeling a little of the Christmas "ugly" right now. I feel ripped off, lonely, sad, nostalgic, and mostly... self pitiful. Yes, woe is me. As I sit here typing this, I even feel guilty for wanting to torch neighborhood Christmas trees and pull lights from houses and dance a jig on top of them. My only outlet is watching Maya gnaw on the face of an Abominable Snowman Christmas Stocking. But Christmas is done for me. I look forward to going out and picking out gifts for my family and friends. I love trying to find something that is actually meaningful and not just "something." I also love to wrap things myself, make my own bows, color coordinate wrapping paper and all that other Martha Stewartish crap... so why would someone like me suddenly turn into the Grinch?

My reason is simple. I'm done Christmas shopping and wrapping gifts. I'm going to mail my box of stuff home tomorrow... because once again, I won't be there. Its too impossible to go home for the holidays anymore. It costs too much, its hard to get the time off work, and worse yet, I'm sure there is so much going on at home that like it or not, my presence isn't really all that missed. I miss not being at home, though. Its pretty damn lonely doing Christmas by yourself. And yes, I am married, but my husband works 365 days a year... even when he is at home, so really it is by myself. He hates Christmas cookies, so I don't make them. We tried to get a Christmas tree, but the one place that sells them at an affordable price doesn't take Visa (what the hell?) so we have no Christmas tree.

On a side note, I would really like to know why a wad of green pipe cleaners in a metal stand costs over $200. I don't think I'd pay that for a rare breed of Christmas Pine straight from the heart of the rain forest. Anyway....

Mike outright refuses to hang lights or decorations for reasons too long to get into here. He hates giving gifts because he says he can't afford to give people the things he really wants to give them. So he's a regular Jolly soul this time of year. So basically the next time I'll feel any sort of holiday joy is when my family calls on Christmas day. Then we'll hang up and I'll feel lousy the rest of the day-- wondering why the holidays turned into such a bummer... then I'll go rearrange the bookshelf or scrub some dishes.

It just isn't Christmas anymore. Christmas went away. Maybe that happens when you grow up and become an adult... but it sucks. I had the BEST Christmases ever as a kid. I don't think anything could have ever topped the way my parents made Christmas every year. Missing your family on Christmas is just about the worst feeling in the world. Sometimes I wonder if life is a balancing act and I had it SO good for so long that its almost like its my turn to see things from the outside looking in.

So Christmas, I am done with you. I am putting away the stupid Santa on the table and the stupid red sock that Maya is chewing on and I'm looking forward to the end of 2007. Onward to '08.

Christmas Care Hotline: (manned by the good folks at the Salvation Army:)130.036.3622