Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Have I ever been this mad before?

This is a letter to my gym. Well, before Mike makes me edit it. Personally, I want whoever reads it to cry like a baby:


I am waiting for two things to happen.
I am waiting for someone to have the genius idea of devoting one of your three pools to the free-thinking modern mommy awaiting the chance to give underwater birth and then I am waiting for you to change your name to the "RDV Family Funplace." That's pretty much all your missing, isn't it? Popping the kids out right there in the pool? I am intelligent enough to know that this letter won't make the slightest bit of difference and that's why I'm not even going to bother signing my name. I could care less if some middle-aged lady named Nancy talks calmly and reassuringly at me saying things like: "of course" and "we understand." The point of this letter is to let you know that eventually you will lose a demographic.
When I first got a membership to this gym, I was so thrilled. I had just moved to Orlando after graduating college and couldn't believe how amazing the RDV was. Over the last year, your "gym" has turned into a ridiculous clusterfuck of pointless crap. I think the main reason for purchasing a membership to your "gym" is to work out? I see that it is a health club and the little salon and sport shop and doctor office and ice skating rink and dairy farm is cute and all... but I am paying money to go to a GYM. Over the last several months, on many occassion I have had ZERO access to the machines that I want because there are people everywhere-- like ants on a sticky bun. I can't get on the machines I want. I can't swim laps in your pool because they are all taken. The locker rooms are infested with screaming children running around naked. Its DISGUSTING!!!!!!!!! This is the WORST gym I have EVER been to. Just because its covered with glitter doesn't mean it isn't a turd.
I'd like to give you a few examples to hang on your wall and laugh at. Maybe it will have the added benefit of backing up my point.
As I mentioned before, screaming naked kids in the locker room. Since you love to waste money (lasik eyecare? Come on.) why don't you get one of those "mommy and me" changing areas. PLEASE. I know this might sound hard to believe, but someone elses kid playing peek-a-boo with me while I'm trying to put on a bra isn't my personal idea of cute. Kids. God, they are crawling all over the place at RDV. On one of the days when I couldn't get to the machines that I wanted, I wandered over to do some cardio and couldn't help but notice a gaggle of 12-13 year olds in dresses and flip flops tying up 4 machines. They don't even want to work out, they want to hang out. Give me a break. Some of us are paying a lot of money to afford the luxury of using your facility and would like the chance to ACTUALLY use it.The women's locker room is full of little boys who are old enough to dress themselves in the mens locker room. Swimming laps on the weekends is great because you have to listen to their screaming pool parties. While its hillarious watching all these loser moms strut around in bikins at the gym, their screaming kids are really irritating.
This morning when I went into the gym, there were no lap lanes to swim in. Disappointed, I figured I would try again this evening. Still no laps. Every machine I had planned to use was in use. I packed up my stuff and went home. Money down the drain. 0/2 on the workouts today. Why do I bother? Did you oversell your memberships or something? Is your Lasik center just really busy so people are killing time out on the floor? I just can't figure out why this once wonderful gym has turned into the bane of my existence. At least I know I'm not alone as this has become a topic of discussion among mine and my husband's friends as well.
You guys will bend over backwards for mommys that want to have 85 half-naked kids prancing around, but when I brought up the fact that I never got a chance to get one of those intelligent keys when I began my membership- I was told I was SOL and should have paid more attention. There's that family friendly attitude!
Basically, I hate your gym. I will not be renewing my membership.Neither will my husband.
Neither will our friends.
Anyone I know looking for a new gym will find one as far away from you as possible.
I'm planning to have 39 kids. None of them will go to your gym.
Thanks for the memories. Hoping your higher ups get jock itch,
J

5 comments:

Monster Library Student said...

Holy shit Jenny,

This was such a funny letter...I hope your husband did not make you edit it too much! So, do I get you right, by assuming that a lot of naked kids visit the gym! Ha ha ha!

I miss you friend...and the bitter diatribes that we used to be able to share!

I loved the letter, and hope that you will change your mind and leave an address and name, because I would love to hear any comments that they might write back to you!

Danielle said...

Send the letter AS IS...but please first fix your incorrect "your" to a "you're". Then you get an A+ from me.

--The Punctuation Nazi

JennPav said...

I caught that yesterday when I was rereading it and I forgot to fix it! Errrrgghhhh. I was caught by the punctuation nazi! I love it!

Kevin Musgrove said...

Send as is, Jenny. Why does "family friendly" always have to mean "couldn't give a fuck about the grown-ups?"

JennPav said...

You're right. You know what? I think I will. I haven't sent it yet. I am trying to figure out the best way to present it-- so it doesn't end up in the trash.
I know just what you're saying! I don't hate kids... I just don't think that I should have to bend over backwards if I'm already spending so much money for this!

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