Embracing Adulthood with poop.

Who doesn't complain about feeling fat from time to time? Weight loss has become a topic of interest since I've gotten older. Its everywhere. People share articles and recipes and make resolutions together, but there has been a recent development that cracks me up. Most of you have probably heard of the drug Xenical, and its now OTC counterpart, Alli. If you've heard anything about this new diet phenom, its probably about the unpleasant side effects causing you to have greasy, oily farts and less than solid fecal anomolies. (I think now is a good time to point out that no one discusses poop enough in blogs.) Anyway, now that this drug is officially on the market you can read about it online and even meet people who are taking it and all of the sudden, your adult conversation turns candidly to that of poop.
Personally, I think that Alli is a good idea. If you're going to eat too much fat, this thing is your worst enemey. Its like Pavlov and his bell, you must condition yourself to eat correctly, and if the response to a gorge fest is shitting your pants in a board meeting... well I would think you would learn your lesson a lot faster than waking up one morning and realizing your pants are too tight. So even though it isn't your typical diet pill and won't really do anything if you're eating right, at least you know when you're slipping up and learning quickly not to do it again.
Most importantly perhaps is the joy of discussing poop again at the office. Ahhh, to be young.

People Watching. Its a Sport.

So I have had the chance to view some interesting personalities lately. Meh, lets not beat around the bush here, I'm going to make fun of them. So if you're reading this and its you're great aunt Gert or something, sorry.

Scenario A: Have you ever seen those mini-vans or SUVs with the little stickers on the back? They say the kids name and have a little graphic for their sport. Maybe its a Florida thing. For example, there will be one of those cheerleading bullhorn graphics and the name Amber. Well, I was going to pick up a perscription and pulled up next to an enormous utlity vehicle that boasted said stickers proudly on the back. One for each of the three kids.
Shannon had a ballerina silohuette. Evan had gymnastics.... O-kay. Let's face it. Evan's going to be a fashion designer when he grows up. Last but not least, Jackson had some sticker that had a horse on it and I wasn't really sure what it was. Turns out, Jackson is into polo! Polo?! What kid plays polo?! What family has ballerinas, gymnasts and polo--...ists. It just seems like too much joy for one household. Can you imagine the conversations around the dinner table?

Scenario B: Pet lovers? I love my dogs-- probably more than the average person loves their pet. I have pictures of them littered all over my website. They are endlessly spoiled and as far as I am concerned, well deserving! I got up early today and dragged my husband along for a trip to Pawmosa Park where they were having a "pug meetup." It was really boring. A bunch of middle aged people akwardly standing about while their pugs played with other roly poly pugs. So do I spoil my dogs? Yes. Today however, I saw the most disgusting people on earth. They rolled up to this pug meetup in their convertible... dropped the top and then the show began. The man of the outfit got out of the car with slicked hair and sunglasses. He was wearing long dress pants and a polo and even dress shoes (um, dog park? Hello?) and was proceeding to pull a nauseatingly pink stroller out of the back of the car. But it was no regular stroller. It was for the dog!... Who was also dressed to the nines by the way. They put together the stroller/cart and placed the pug carefully into the bed and unzipped his window. They wheeled their dog the whole two feet from the car to the gate. I'm serious. They put together a pink doggie carriage to wheel their dog TWO FEET. But the gut renching doesn't stop there. As they entered the park they were each carrying large sports bottles as if they were going to jog, but you already know what the gentleman was wearing...
... his lady friend? She was wearing a black wash cloth that appeared to have been washed thousands of times stretched across her enormous stumpy, cottage cheese legs. It was uncomfortably short... as in I'm going to have nightmares tonight. It was really gross.
I think the dog was the most likeable character in the family...

Cheese Pants.

It must be a Monday because here I am at my desk smelling like a big hunk of Gouda. What other day of the week would suck as much as a Monday? Well. I got in from swimming last night and threw my wet towel on the back of a chair, because it would have been so hard for me to actually go and put it in the laundry. Anyway, on this chair was my work clothes for today.
When I got in the car is when I noticed the foul, moldy cheese stench. You don't notice it when you're standing because your nose isn't as close to your femur.
So the whole ride to work, I was gagging over the nasty cheese smell. So far the whole day at work the cheese smell is even worse. Its only 11am.
I finally confided to a co-worker that I was nauseated because I smell like a Gorgonzola. So she found some perfume and I sprayed it all over my legs.
It didn't get rid of the moldy dairy, but it added to the stink on a whole new level.

Matters of the Heart

I go through periods of time where I cling desperately to anything from the past. Friends lost, places, sounds, smells that are no longer a part of my life. I always attributed this smallish compulsion that sprang up occassionaly, to the amount of times I moved as a kid. It feels like I have lived several small lives. Lately, I have been thinking about times spent with my grandparents. My grandma used to take care of my sister and I during summers and sometimes I feel like I took those times for granted. I know I did as I was a teenager and I hated when they would come to stay with us while my parents were house hunting in other states. I would challenge everything they said or did and I can't imagine how they put up with me.
This past November when I was home, my grandpa was excited to take us to the casino. He had been looking forward to it for almost a year and we were finally all there. We hadn't been there for too long when he collapsed.
He's fine now, but that was a real turning point for me. Aside from the heartbreak of going home in yearly intervals and seeing people you love get older in fast forward, this was a real sign that the life I always knew and the things I always expect are coming to an end and things are going away. Morbid as it sounds, I probably don't have too long left with my grandparents and I simply can't imagine not seeing them at holidays... not ever going to grandma's house. I can't explain what a loss it would be to lose one of them.
Such is life, though. I have been trying to come to terms with the fact that my grandfather may not have too much longer with us. I have made every effort to come home and see him when I can... not an easy feat when the airlines are in the wallet raping business... I know I'll never be prepared if something happens, but I was really caught off guard when I found out that my grandma was hospitalized this week with a yet to be determined condition.
It struck me that it wasn't until the past few years that I have really, REALLY been thankful for my family- for who they were and what I am to them. Wiser with age, I suppose. Its just a shame that I was so ignorant as a kid that it never occured to me to value the people I love as they should be. As a kid you never imagine that you won't see them whenever you want. It makes me feel so old... when did I get old?
As I write this, my grandma is having a test done on her heart so your prayers for her safe return to health would be greatly appreciated.
I hope to lift the somber tone of these latest entries, hopefully this weekend will bring back some laughs.