The blurred line.

I have managed to set my alarm for the last week and a half to go off at 6:30 and then again at 7:00. I moved it across the room so I had to get up, bend over, pick it up, and mash at it with my hands to shut it off.

I'm awake at this point, yes?

No.

Anyway, so I haven't gotten up once and have had to go to the gym at night. Except Sunday I didn't go. We were really busy all day and I'm pretty sure I got in some moderate excercise anyway. Monday I didn't go because I had missed a dose of some medicine and wasn't feeling good. TODAY. Today I was feeling it. I was ready to go. Visualizing all the calories I would burn, tomorrows BL weigh in didn't seem like a big deal. Except my eye had been bugging me all day and I wanted to take care of that before heading out.

Well, when I opened my eye really wide to look in the mirror, my contact freaking disintegrated. One half fell right out of my eye and the other half curled out and stuck to my eyelash. Can you tell me how in the HELL that happens?

OH WAIT. Now it all makes sense. You see, As of August first, I am covered 100% through my work benefits for vision care and I can't get new contacts until I have my yearly eye exam. So I had to kind of stretch out this last pair of contacts that I had a few extra days. Somewhere evil little elves are laughing at me. So I have an appointment on Saturday to get new ones and have my exam and I'll pay for it and its no big deal. Its just the point that I'm SO close to saving some money. But NOOOOOO. Also, I can't possibly work out this week with glasses. I am blind as a bat and I couldn't swim without them. I would get so seasick. I can't really do the treadmill either because when I get hot and start sweating, they steam up and on top of not being able to see, I look like a baked ass.

I am becoming more a fan of the laser surgery option by day. Lets take a little quiz, shall we?

Which of the following has happened to me since I began wearing contacts in the year 1998:
A. While laughing hysterically at a joke made by one, Jennifer Schillenger, I rounded off our evening of tall cakes and laughs at Ruby Tuesday with the cinema crew by somehow stabbing myself in the cornea with a drinking straw.
B. You know how when you're coming to the end of your deodorant stick, the remaining little cake of anti stink sometimes falls off if you twist too far? Well, it fell onto the dresser and I picked it up and threw it out. Somehow a microscopic piece remained in my open contact case and proceeded to deodorize my eyeball- a burning sensation like you will never know.
C. While putting in the first contact of the morning, it fell to the ground and was never located. I broke out a new set only to discover that evening as I was removing my shoes after work, that it had cemented itself to my sock and was dry and crunchy inside my shoe, still clinging lifelessly to the sock.
D. All of the above. All of the freaking above.

The answer is D. Did you seriously not see that coming?

Embracing Adulthood with poop.

Who doesn't complain about feeling fat from time to time? Weight loss has become a topic of interest since I've gotten older. Its everywhere. People share articles and recipes and make resolutions together, but there has been a recent development that cracks me up. Most of you have probably heard of the drug Xenical, and its now OTC counterpart, Alli. If you've heard anything about this new diet phenom, its probably about the unpleasant side effects causing you to have greasy, oily farts and less than solid fecal anomolies. (I think now is a good time to point out that no one discusses poop enough in blogs.) Anyway, now that this drug is officially on the market you can read about it online and even meet people who are taking it and all of the sudden, your adult conversation turns candidly to that of poop.
Personally, I think that Alli is a good idea. If you're going to eat too much fat, this thing is your worst enemey. Its like Pavlov and his bell, you must condition yourself to eat correctly, and if the response to a gorge fest is shitting your pants in a board meeting... well I would think you would learn your lesson a lot faster than waking up one morning and realizing your pants are too tight. So even though it isn't your typical diet pill and won't really do anything if you're eating right, at least you know when you're slipping up and learning quickly not to do it again.
Most importantly perhaps is the joy of discussing poop again at the office. Ahhh, to be young.

People Watching. Its a Sport.

So I have had the chance to view some interesting personalities lately. Meh, lets not beat around the bush here, I'm going to make fun of them. So if you're reading this and its you're great aunt Gert or something, sorry.

Scenario A: Have you ever seen those mini-vans or SUVs with the little stickers on the back? They say the kids name and have a little graphic for their sport. Maybe its a Florida thing. For example, there will be one of those cheerleading bullhorn graphics and the name Amber. Well, I was going to pick up a perscription and pulled up next to an enormous utlity vehicle that boasted said stickers proudly on the back. One for each of the three kids.
Shannon had a ballerina silohuette. Evan had gymnastics.... O-kay. Let's face it. Evan's going to be a fashion designer when he grows up. Last but not least, Jackson had some sticker that had a horse on it and I wasn't really sure what it was. Turns out, Jackson is into polo! Polo?! What kid plays polo?! What family has ballerinas, gymnasts and polo--...ists. It just seems like too much joy for one household. Can you imagine the conversations around the dinner table?

Scenario B: Pet lovers? I love my dogs-- probably more than the average person loves their pet. I have pictures of them littered all over my website. They are endlessly spoiled and as far as I am concerned, well deserving! I got up early today and dragged my husband along for a trip to Pawmosa Park where they were having a "pug meetup." It was really boring. A bunch of middle aged people akwardly standing about while their pugs played with other roly poly pugs. So do I spoil my dogs? Yes. Today however, I saw the most disgusting people on earth. They rolled up to this pug meetup in their convertible... dropped the top and then the show began. The man of the outfit got out of the car with slicked hair and sunglasses. He was wearing long dress pants and a polo and even dress shoes (um, dog park? Hello?) and was proceeding to pull a nauseatingly pink stroller out of the back of the car. But it was no regular stroller. It was for the dog!... Who was also dressed to the nines by the way. They put together the stroller/cart and placed the pug carefully into the bed and unzipped his window. They wheeled their dog the whole two feet from the car to the gate. I'm serious. They put together a pink doggie carriage to wheel their dog TWO FEET. But the gut renching doesn't stop there. As they entered the park they were each carrying large sports bottles as if they were going to jog, but you already know what the gentleman was wearing...
... his lady friend? She was wearing a black wash cloth that appeared to have been washed thousands of times stretched across her enormous stumpy, cottage cheese legs. It was uncomfortably short... as in I'm going to have nightmares tonight. It was really gross.
I think the dog was the most likeable character in the family...

Cheese Pants.

It must be a Monday because here I am at my desk smelling like a big hunk of Gouda. What other day of the week would suck as much as a Monday? Well. I got in from swimming last night and threw my wet towel on the back of a chair, because it would have been so hard for me to actually go and put it in the laundry. Anyway, on this chair was my work clothes for today.
When I got in the car is when I noticed the foul, moldy cheese stench. You don't notice it when you're standing because your nose isn't as close to your femur.
So the whole ride to work, I was gagging over the nasty cheese smell. So far the whole day at work the cheese smell is even worse. Its only 11am.
I finally confided to a co-worker that I was nauseated because I smell like a Gorgonzola. So she found some perfume and I sprayed it all over my legs.
It didn't get rid of the moldy dairy, but it added to the stink on a whole new level.