I am here on vacation in florida and find that driving on Interstate 4 is almost as exciting as any thrill ride in floridas garden of thrill park theatrics. Several times throughout the day, I find myself lost in the glory of all the restaurants, bargain shops and florida t-shirt companies that are dotted along the expressway and I almost miss my exit. I say "almost" because I was able to cut across four lanes of traffic and run over some grass to get to the exit ramp. Can you please tell me why everyone starting honking, shouting, and producing obscene finger gestures from their windows?
Dear Georgia Impala,
Everyone was honking and shouting to let you know that they hoped you would die. As a tourist, we pretty much expect you to randomly cut across four lanes of traffic without looking so that you can make your exit to the waffle house, but, as far as a thrill ride goes, we like to stick to the parks. Having to replace brake pads every other week or so to avoid body damage to the car, or self may sound like fun, but can actually be completely SHITTY! My suggestion is that since you're on vacation, and chances are you don't have to be somewhere in a life and death hurry, relax. Take the next exit and turn around. You only have to go back one exit and the whole process will only take about five minutes off of your itinerary. You can even send back postcards to your friends and family in the north describing your heroism and how you saved millions of the locals.
Dear Jenny,I have recently moved to Florida and I am scared to leave my house. Is there anyway to spot which drivers are more likely to kill me? How can I know if someone is a tourist? How can I achieve optimum vehicular safety?-Florida LexusDear Florida Lexus,Unfortunately, here in Florida, you are never safe. I hate to be the one to break it to you, but if you drive on I-4 daily, its only a matter of time before you die. Here are a few things to watch for, but keep in mind that nothing is predictable when driving the Florida roadways. Being new to the area, I highly suggest that you test yourself prior to testing others:1. Do you have stuffed animals lining the back window of your car?2. Do you drive a minivan?3. Do you drive a hummer or other ridiculous utility vehicle and proudly display a soccer ball decal?4. Do you have green peace bumperstickers completely covering the back half of your car?5. Would you describe the shape of your car as a cube?6. Do you drive a Jetta?7. Do you feel safest driving in the passing lane at a comfy 45?8. Are you just a little unsure of where you are going?9. Will your life be incomplete if you don't soak in every detail of the fender bender off on the shoulder?10. Do you remember where you were when the stock market crashed?Tourists, though by far the worst offenders of driving casualties, will outnumber you and you can't avoid them. Look for minivans in which the passenger has no shoes or socks on and proudly displays their feet on the dashboard. Luggage is a dead give away. Maps, fast food containers and an abnormal interest in buildings and attratctions off of the exits are another sign of trouble.
Good luck and may God bless,
Dear Jenny,I'm running late to Shamu's 2:53pm show at Sea World and I won't be able to catch the next one until 2:59. Should I park in the Harcourt lot?
-Indiana Geo Metro
Dear Indiana Geo Metro,
First of all get a new car, change your oil, and have your muffler fixed. Second of all, no. Never, Ever, EVER park in a Harcourt spot, lest you will die mysteriously at my hand.
Don't choke on your own tongue,
Saturday, June 2, 2007