Saturday, June 2, 2007

It's a BOY!... and a GIRL!.... and 2007 is the new 666.

I just have so much to say. Where to begin? Okay, let me start by going back in time to when I started at Florida Imaging. Literally, it was the first day there and I woke up with a scratchy throat and cough. I have weathered worse, so I went in and made sure to be very concious of my breathing area and should a cough escape, it was immediately contained and the entrails properly eliminated. By the time I got home that night (aka, my FIRST DAY) I was so sick I ended up going to the hospital and being out of work for a week with the flu.
I decided to keep this tradition alive, so now that I had started at Element, my white blood cells took a vacation and I was once again sick within the first few weeks. I'll never forget what happened next.
I was driving to my new job one morning with the strangest sensation in my stomach. Almost like hunger pains, but not quite... and I don't usually eat in the morning. So I stopped at a nearby Burger King because we all know that greasy, fried, grade E meat mixed with cheese cures what ails ya'. I ate my $2.00 cholesterol sandwich at my desk at work and literally as I swallowed the last bite, I got a pain so horrible and so blinding that tears were welling up in my eyes and I was pretty sure the temperature had risen a good 15 degrees. It was HORRIBLE. I immediatly went to which didn't help at all. I didn't want to leave and look like a total slacker so I figured I would just gut it out for awhile. I sat there at my desk pretending like I wasn't seeing a bright light and tasting the bitterness of death for almost three hours before I emailed the boss to say I would be taking a long lunch. I went to the walk in clinic and was promptly told that I "probably had a kidney infection" and was given an antibiotic.
Several days passed. I was feeling okay... not good. Pains came and went and I was now at a day before my trip to Michigan to see one of my oldest and best friends get married. It was about 10:30 at night when the blinding pain drove me to the hospital where I met the most wonderful woman to roam the planet earth.
She put me on an IV and filled it with two vials of medicine. It could have been crack, it could have been antifreeze, I really didn't care. She was an angel because for the next two hours, I felt GREAT.
I went home with the news that I had a kidney stone. One little kidney stone. I was free to travel, given medicine for the pain and nausea and sent on my merry way.
By the time I had made it back home to Michigan (aka my mommy) the blinding, searing pain had changed and moved into my stomach. I would now say it was more of a gnawing, aching, hell. Since this had nothing to do with kidney stones, back to the hospital I went. It turns out that the antibiotics given to me by the walk-in clinic lady had created excess acid in my stomach. YEAH!!!!
To make a long story short (ha, you wish,) I spent my entire vacation sleeping and missed the wedding. I gave birth to a baby boy kidney stone and then was surprised to see his twin sister later in the day. The stomach pain lasted another week.So what does all this really mean? Really?
It means that 2007 freaking sucks. IT SUCKS! Instead of having a ball drop in Times Square for this year, it should have been a giant hairy testicle. I seriously detest this horrid, rotten year and all it stands for. Since it is June 1st and officially the halfway point OUT of this miserable shit-stew of a year, I think I should start an official tally of all the CRAP that has spewed forth from the bowels of this millenium + 7 hell.
List O' 2007 Follies and Fallacies.1. This year started with our Wayne moving away to Virginia. The last official member of our clan to take off and leave us cold and lonely in Whorelando, we miss Wayne and Mike and Julie each weekend- more than the last. There is no longer anyone to help me pick lunch meat out of my hair at parties or make me cheese dip when I'm down. I knew it was going to suck this year.2. The flu. Not one who is usually sick, I got the flu this year. I had forgotten how it feels like when your soul is being smothered by a giant mucus membrane. It was pretty awful. Dear 2008, remind me to get a flu shot.3. Then came good ol' February. As a Valentine's Gift, Florida Imaging informed me that since there was no work for me to do, I was no longer an employee there. I really appreciate that since I left a job that had a great benefits package to go there. Not to mention a crazy lady who cared for cats with STDs.4. Jenny goes on unemployment. I never, NEVER thought that would be me. Usually I am one of the top employees because I like to work. I like to be all that I can be. I would have gone to the army if the food was better. I then spent several weeks in a state of depression you could never truly understand. I felt like a drain on society and my family. All this time did for me was teach the dogs to howl like I was killing them whenever I slothed my way out of the house. I also discovered ABC daytime television and relived Full House, the younger years. Ehhhhhh. If it hadn't been for Michelle helping me to get through this time, I probably would have been become a fan of Sabrina the Teenage Witch.5. Adventures in Maya's Cornea. Maya had an eye infection that was being treated for about 3 weeks before I said "screw it" and took her to a specialist. She was immediately set up for surgery to remove a rogue eyelash causing her to get recurring eye ulcers. She has since had multiple problems with that eye. I blame 2007.6. The Great Roomate Divide of '07. Some people have terrible relationships with their roomates. Not the case for us. We liked our roomate, she liked us... but it didn't work out. That is all.7. It's Kidney Stoooonnnnnes. Nuff said.8. I missed Ryan's wedding. This is the kind of thing that will bother me until the day I die.9. Yep. We're still in Florida.10. What's next? What kind of festering boil awaits us for the month of June... I'll keep you updated.

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