Saturday, June 2, 2007

Recipe for a Man.

Without naming any names, I was recently asked how I met Mike because there didn't seem to be any real men left in the world. Of course, from there we spent several minutes trading real life horror stories of encounters with the pseudo male. So enters the idea in my brain to create my recipe for the perfect man for all my single ladies.
**But First**
A disclaimer: This is meant to be a nice blending of humor as well as some real life experience that I have had personally. I'm not trying to pretend like I know any secret hints when the fact is that I just got really lucky. I'm not trying to insult anyone and unless it happens to be an ex I know won't read this (because they are most likely illiterate) all persons here within are fictional and only to amuse. In other words: CHILL.
Okay now this should be an interesting blog since I am comparing this to cooking from a recipe when in real life the concept of making popcorn that doesn't come in a neatly packaged microwave bag often throws me through a loop. Just the same, lets go.
I say first you make a list. A shopping list. And don't settle for less than what your heart tells you that you should have. For example, when you're cooking, powdered sugar is NOT the same as uhhh... regular sugar. And Flour cannot under any circumstance be substituted with Krusteaz panckae mix. Put down the qualities that you would want to have in a friend-- so the words "Brad Pitt" or "abs like Basedow" should never appear.
Now that you have your list of basic ingredients, its time to go shopping. This is where you're really putting your sense of self to the test. You shouldn't have to settle for a vegetable that some kid just sneezed on just because you're low on... uh.... vitamins?
Okay, okay. Analogy aside... just like in real life, this is usually where I start to think to myself: "Screw this, I'll buy a microwave pizza." That said, I'll stop being confusing and "philosophical" and just give you some patented Jenny takes on life, love and the pursuit of victory.
Stop settling for a smoker if you don't smoke and you don't want to be around it.Find a guy who has a hobby he is passionate about.If Mr. Right's only real vision in life is to pursue a career in rock and roll and he is 32, living with his mom, and working part time at Radio Shack... run.Actually... now that I think about it.... we can just stop right at "if his dream is to pursue a career in the rock and roll industry" and that will suffice as deterent enough.Your potential man should be familiar and accustomed to the concept of self grooming including but not limited to the daily application of deodorant, showering, brushing of teeth and other basic maintanence tasks. If you have to ponder whether or not he does any of these, move on.If you spend more than one day a week wondering why he is so hard to get ahold of, move on.If he hasn't graduated high school-- slap your own hand, what were you thinking.He should refer to you as beautiful, pretty, or gorgeous even... not "hot" and "you have sweet tits" is not a compliment, its a question and the answer is no.Personally I like a man who drives a truck. I have found that any guy I date who can fix things... like with tools.... is more of a man than your average "rocker" I know its 2006 but I don't want to see my boyfriend cry. **The only time in 5 years that I have seen Mike cry was after a night of serious drinking. He was laughing and crying at the same time actually-- and puking into a sauce pan.** I've found that tremendously skinny guys (the kind who look like or who are heroin addicts) never work out. If your potential dream date has wild armpit hair, it should go without saying that his shirt-- be it short or long-- should always have sleeves. Personally, call me old fashioned, I like my men clean cut. Long hair... perms... mullets.... not for me. Must love dogs. Mike ALWAYS carries the grocery bags. I never ask, he just does it. Working part time as a cashier at Albertsons taught me that this is actually a rare quality. In five years we have never had a "big" argument. If you want to have six kids and he wants to have zero that is a big argument. If you work two jobs and he doesn't work any, that's a big argument. If he thinks you see each other too much, that's a big argument. Get it? If you've run out of interesting stuff to write about and he's still reading it-- then you have a great guy. Now that you have the basic ingredients, blend well and blah, blah, cheesy analogy. I would like to conclude my rant with a touching moment that well represents the depth of my five year relationship with Mike. I turned to him and asked him to help me think of an comparison between two foods at one point in writing this. Mike looked at me thoughtfully and then up at the ceiling... it was obvious he was concentrating hard. Finally after a long pause he looked me right in the eye and said: "I really have to poop."

No comments:

Pay Attention: