Saturday, June 2, 2007

Mutant Fatty League

Can you think of something bad to say about basketball? If you can then you're wrong. Basketball is the best sport that there is. I love to play it, I love to watch it... I love that they have an awesome basketball court at my gym. What makes me sad is, everytime I am there, a group of men is totally hogging the court. Its not fair. I watch them play as I pass on my way to the locker room and I think to myself *that could be me out there.* So, I write this for all the fatties that watch longingly from the sidelines wishing that they could play.... or just make it back up the stairs to the cafe. I think we should start a mutant fatty league. Come on guys, it will be just like all those movies featuring kids with coke bottle glasses, severe post-nasal drip and IBS that come into their own and overtake the mean team of good looking people with nice uniforms. I figure that we can meet somewhere at some makeshift court and have some scrimage type practices that will no doubt result in a comedic mockery of the game until one day we meet someone that totally belongs on the good team and we make them our own and they can lead us to victory over the "normal" gym goers.So , here are some things that I will be looking for when I host try-outs for the Mutant Fatty League Basketball team:Obeseity: I mean, serious blubber. I won't even consider you if you put down that cheeseburger to sign up. I want to hear your underarms smacking your love handles when you run.Kankles: If your legs run straight into your shoes, sign your ass up.Glasses: I'm talking the kind that magnify your eyeballs.Allergies: You have to be allergic to lifeSkin conditions: Do you itch a lot?Asthma: No one makes a better basketball mutant than someone who will keel over and die if they attempt to run.Acne: Warts will work, but generally I need to see some pussing and oozing on your face.Be the kid that was picked last: Do you want revenge on your old gym teacher?Ethnicity: Black people are supposed to be good at sports so you can forget about that. I want Asian people.Superstitions: Whether it is a fungus under your toenails that you believe tobe part of your personality, or whether you just don't wash your gym clothes... its all good on Mutant Fatty League.Princess shirts: If your weight starts with the number 2 or higher and you are wearing a tight fitting T-shirt that says: "Princess," "Hottie," "Diva," or "Juicy" you're ready to play on my team.

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