Saturday, June 2, 2007

Its so dark here, with my head up my ass and all.

Ladies and Gentleman. I implore you. If you simply MUST distract yourself from the boredom of driving, then talk on the ol' cell phone. Pick yourself up a drive through baked potato or something that requires finesse to eat while steering. Hell, maybe even do a crossword or paint your toenails. Just don't drive with your head up your freaking ass anymore.
It took me 35 minutes to make it to I-4 today FROM THE ON-RAMP. Why? Well, because the four lanes of merging traffic behind me had fought long and hard to get to where they were because of an accident on Sand Lake Road that had the left lane blocked. This actually prepared them for the accident just down the road where the 3 left lanes were blocked and we had to squeeze all the merging and through traffic into the exit only lane for the turnpike. This seemed to be going relatively smooth. Slowly... but smoothly. People were in orderly lines, kindly letting others in and making the process of switching from lane to lane, almost a joy. A damn, freaking, joy. Damn it. But then came the fire fucks. I mean, the fire trucks. Undoubtedly coming from accident #1 to accident #2, they blared their sirens, flashed their lights and split the already constipated lines of traffic down the middle.
That's when it got ugly. Cars were everywhere. Honking. Finger flipping. Screaming. People in two lanes, the shoulder, driving around in the grass, merging left, merging right, merging back. No one was quite facing forward anymore. I imagine that it looked like God picked up a stack of micro minis and threw them into a pile on I-4. It was that shit-faced confusing. As if this weren't enough, some guy's car decides to die. Right fucking here. So now there's people going around him, around the fire trucks, around the ambulances, around each other, around the exit only lane for the turnpike and basically around in circles. It was freaking madness.
Anyway, needless to say, I finally got through it. Only to find that one car had rolled itself all over the damn place andk someone probably is in the hospital right now. The camera crew was there and two of the three lanes were blocked completely without reason. The retarded girl in front of me merging back onto the open road stopped (in the ONLY lane that you could manuever through, by the way) to take a picture on her cell phone and then proceeded to cause me and everyone behind me to once again slam on the breaks.Past that, I saw only one more accident sans-scene. It was a little fender bender off on the shoulder and normally Floridians would be lining up to linger at the smell of burnt rubber and fuming housewife, but we had had our fill of accidents. The last accident of the day was on the other side of the road. The west-bound side. Why does that concern me? Well, because one of the fire trucks that had been headed home after its long afternoon of prying people's heads out of their asses cut across two lanes and THEN turned on its lights and sirens blocking the ENTIRE left lane and causing traffic to once again come to a grinding hault, forcing everyone over to the middle lane. FOR NOTHING. As far as I can tell, this freaking fire truck pulled over to aid a busty blonde talking to Michael Moore's long lost twin in a Geo Metro that looked like it had been covered in caked on bacon grease. There wasn't a damn thing wrong with either car and certainly no reason to shut down yet another lane on the death track.
Its been awhile since I've had a nice long rant about the traffic so hopefully you enjoyed it. I must go now, as I've discovered that there is a bag of broccoli on my counter that I believe to be the cause of a mysterious odor...

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