Saturday, June 2, 2007

Florida Chainsaw Massacre.

I was headed out to where I used to live, Lake Mary, to run some errands today. Since my roomate had just gotten back from visiting family over the holiday in Sarasota and had an errand to run, we went together. It turns out that, her mom's landlord had purchased an item on ebay and had asked Tasha to pick it up for him and just bring it back the next time that she came to Sarasota since the item was heavy and shipping it would have been stupid. Well, going to a stranger's house alone is never a good idea, so we went as a team. Probably also not a good idea. We were told it was just past Sanford, which is just past Lake Mary. HOWEVER, it turned out to be WAAAAAY past Sanford, and hell, Toto, way past freaking Kansas. We drove down lots of roads with no stop lights. No gas stations. No people. Every once in awhile we would pass a gorgeous plantation home on several billion acres-- cows... horses... and apparently bears since there were bear warning signs all over. We even passed a blinking sign that said: "CAUTION: SMOKE." Well, just when we thought that there was no way this place actually existed, we saw the turnoff. It was a dirt road (are you shocked?) We were in the middle of nowhere and there were 3 trailers out here. They all had the same address (the address we were going too) but different lot numbers (which we didn't know.) So we just headed over to lot one and knocked on the... "door." To get to the "door" we had to step over plastic lawn chairs and be careful of the bowls full of cigarette butts and pieces of wind chimes and sprinklers. There were rusty nails hanging out of the sides of the house-- mostly attatched to pieces of wood that were just nailed there... what purpose, I don't know. We waited about a second and a half for an answer. There wasn't one so we ran back to the car... regained our nerves and knocked on the second door. This place was a slight step up from the first since my immediate impression wasn't that whoever lived there was carving up a hitchiker while we were standing on the "porch." We knocked on the door and you can imagine my surprise and delight when Leather Face's mom opened it. She was an old lady in a quilted moo moo with some kind of saucy looking muffin smeared all over her face, lips, cheeks and teeth. I said a prayer that she wasn't going to yell: "Bruno Ray Jr... thare's some visitors... can you bring out our special guest chairs?!" Fortunately Tasha asked if "Doug" was there and she just said; "Doug who?"
"I don't know his last name, we're just supposed to pick something up.""I don't know a Doug.""Okay, Thanks anyway."We started to walk away and she came out onto the porch.
"You mean that Doug that live thare in that thate traila'?""Ummm... sure.""Well, he ain't here.""Oh.... okay... Thanks."
So we get back into the car and Tasha gets out her cell phone and good lordy, this is where we realize we ain't go no signal. None whatsoever. And oh, yeah! Leather Face's mom is waving too us on the porch!
"I can call Doug's wife on da cell, if you'all want."
(Wait a minute, didn't she JUST SAY "Doug who? She didn't know a Doug?")
"That would be great!"
Wouldn't that be great? Maybe we can all have a Barbeque. and the guy in Lot one can serve the mail man as the main course.
Anyway. The guy was supposed to be there anytime after 4pm for us to pick this thing up. It was 5:10. He finally showed up and now I have a 100 pound chunk of Welding equipment complete with creepy dirty mask in the back of my car. Thank Goodness for Leather Face's mom because I wasn't going to be coming back here to backcountry again anytime soon. I pretty much saw my life flash before my eyes.... my pink barbie bike... watching Dirty Dancing and eating bagels at my Grandma's... liberating tadpoles with favorite pair of shoes.....
Yeah for life! Yeeeeah for life.

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