Saturday, June 2, 2007

Prepare to be Fucked Up by the Manners Police.

When did it become acceptable and even expected to behave like a raving jackass? Seriously?!! I spend enough time ranting about the traffic and people's general disability to function behind the wheel of a car, so I'll start bitching about the people I work with. First off, I have to sign in and there is always a line of people signing in. I always write my name and information quickly because there are people waiting. But somehow, I always get behind someone who may as well bust out a calligraphy pen. They slowly construct the perfect curve and counter of each letter considering the kerning and the tracking of their very penamanship and double checking the accuracy of their spelling and punctuation before dropping the pen and collecting their shit and moving on. Did I mention, no one reads this? Its basically a log of who enters and leaves the building in case you decide to put a bomb on the third floor or something. So have some courtesy for the people behind you and move it the fuck along!!!!!!!Oh, and next comes the elevator. Standing in the the vestibule will always be a gaggle of big black women with mangled teeth and hideous white women wearing bright floral patterns and carrying vinyl lunch packs. The poor elevator can fit maybe four of these people in it, but all 13 of them will cram on in, so should I be desperate enough to take this elevator, I will undoubtedly be smashed against the back wall with a blubbery elbow up my nose. The best part is, the very first fatty to pound and waddle her way into this unfortunate lift device that isn't a crane, will wedge herself next to the keypad where you can pick which floor you want to attempt to get to. So, unless you feel like asking her to press the button for you, you may as well just wait for the elevator to stop at the second or third floor where they will all pile off and you can think to yourself that they really need to consider taking the stairs. But what really irritates me and prompted me to write this massive rant, is the way people act. I'm not even talking about the fatties who will gnaw off your arm if you look like you're reaching for anything more than a coffee cup in the cafeteria, I'm talking about the random people that you pass in the halls. On several occassions I have foolishly come around a corner too quickly and nearly bumped into somoene and I ALWAYS smile and say: "sorry," or "excuse me" or something, but apparently THAT is taboo and what I should do is scowl and shove my way along in a huff making sure to let that brief and not quite physical encounter ruin my day. Seriously, no one makes eye contact and no one has the most basic of manners anymore. I think we should take this to the next step.... like a game of chicken. So, anyone reading this, I think we should start some kind of new society "norm" of anti-sorical, anti-manners behavior. When you come around a corner and someone is coming in the other direction, shove them down as hard as you can! I mean, be vicious! Eventually this will catch on and then it will be like a blood sport and you'll have to be on your toes to see who will get knocked on their ass first! Maybe some kicking could be involved, I don't know. This is a whole new thing, we should really put some thought into this. With that being said, I think we should all be allowed to punch one person in the face a day. We'll start small. So that douchebag that leaves 17 car lengths between them and the car in front of them so that only 2 people get through the green light at a time... we can walk up to their car, have them roll the window down, and then just punch the shit out of them. I think everyone would feel much better. Also, if you're a crappy driver, and you probably are, this might be some incentive for you to try to suck at life a little less. Infact, I think I have just solved all the world's problems.....I won't even get started on the fact that there are no men left on this planet. Well, let me rephrase that. I can think of maybe five guys that I wouldn't hestitate to call a real and decent man. So for you single ladies out there, I'm really fucking sorry. I think you're best bet is to just save up some one- a- day punches and just beat the ass of every man you see. Anyone who has ever worked at a grocery store and had to pick up and scan a 75 pound bag of rottweiler kibble for the 20 something body builder who is staring down your shirt but can't be bothered to lift a finger to help knows exactly what I'm talking about.So there you have it, in a nut-shell (believe it or not, I could go on for hours) everyone sucks. Maybe you should consider having some common decency and thanking the people who serve you at the store, or your favorite greasy burger haven. Maybe you should smile at people you pass instead of looking like a fucked up little troll. Maybe you should pretend to care that you are not the only person on the planet and drive like its not your first day ever on planet earth. Think about it, or maybe I'll just punch you in the fucking face.

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