Saturday, June 2, 2007

Should you be allowed out of the house?

I have devised a simple test that will let you know if you are worthy of owning a drivers license. But before I get to that test, I just have to tell you about the 8:30 elevator at my work. Should you be foolish enough to arrive at exactly 8:30am, don't expect to get an elevator. I usually take the stairs but sometimes I have a lot of crap to haul around and I need the elevator. Well there are two sets of elevators. When you first come in there is one set and then if you can just push those hamhocks a little further down the hall... there is a whole other set. Its approximately 20 steps further. Well, everyday, hundreds of people jam and cram themselves with their breakfast pastries and their morning breath in the little elevator vestibule and no one has ever noticed that if you just walk those extra 20 steps you can take the other set of elevators and be the only one on them! Not that I'm complaining. The more stupid people there are, the better off I am. But on to my driver's exam.If you answer yes to any of these questions, you need to cut up your drivers license immediately becuse you suck at life.1. Do you have stuffed animals lining the back window of your car?2. Do you drive a minivan?3. Do you drive a hummer or other ridiculous utility vehicle and proudly display a soccer ball decal?4. Do you have green peace bumperstickers completely covering the back half of your car?5. Would you describe the shape of your car as a cube?6. Do you drive a Jetta?7. Do you feel safest driving in the passing lane at a comfy 45?8. Are you just a little unsure of where you are going?9. Will your life be incomplete if you don't soak in every detail of the fender bender off on the shoulder?10. Do you remember where you were when the stock market crashed?Did you answer yes to any of these questions? Don't lie. Accepting the fact that you are a crappy driver is the first step in saving lives.

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