Saturday, June 2, 2007

I-4 Splatters More Tourists

This really isn't funny, but I have just become desensitized. Sorry, I spelled that wrong. Anyway, this is fairly common on I-4 to me, so it has become pretty cliche... but you can always tell when a tourist has rolled, crashed, exploded, or otherwise splattered their car all over the road because there is a shit smattering of pillows, clothes, flip-flops, luggage, and coolers smeared across four lanes of traffic. It will hang out there for a few days and then mysteriously disappear. This happens so often and its really tragic because the people that are coming out of a fireworks display of vacation supplies, are officially no longer on vacation. So for anyone planning to make the trip out to Disney, I offer these safe driving tips. This message has been endorsed by the sunshine state league of highway oblivion.1. Never, never wear your seatbelt. When on vacation, you must look "cool." Opt for your best pair of sunglasses instead.2. When you miss your exit, don't bother to wait for the next nine exits that also lead straight to Disney, cut across four lanes of traffic without checking your mirrors, and for time's sake, kick the old speedometer up to 90.3. Always read the map while you are driving and talking on your cell phone.4. Block your back window with all of your vacationing equipment, be it shopping bags, suitcases, or pillows and coolers. This way, when your car flips over more times than a Chinese gymnast, all passerbys will know that you are infact on vacation from Indiana, therefore employing southern hospitality. (We all know that people who live in Florida all work for the service industry and exist soley to be abused by tourists who disgustedly refer to us as "the locals."5. When trying to decide which buffet to stuff your moist face-hole at, drive no less than 35 miles under the speed limit as to soak in every detail of the restaurants and fast food havens that you are passing. 6. The DVD player for the kids needs to be adjusted... only do so in the passing lane when going 85.7. Get up really early and stay out really late. I-4 = sleepy nap time.8. Take pictures of the theme parks as you pass them on the side of the road with your manual SLR. Be sure to adjust all the settings and get the perfect composition, you won't get the same kind of effect when you're not hurling by at 65 mph.9. Eat fast food and drink milk shakes while steering with your knees. No vacation is complete without attempting this stunt.10. Finally, pay no attention to pedestrians. Between taking pictures, examining the map and fixing the dvd player while eating lunch, pedestrians are small annoyances that need to be eliminated by ignoring the changing lights.

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